Comments on: Forgive and Forget: Can You…Should You…Will You?

By: Lilly

Lilly — Sat, 16 May 2009 01:34:10 +0000

Suzym, you are so right, every situation is different. I understand how hurt and betrayed you must be. I sincerely hope that the conselling brings you both to a better place. Thanks so much for sharing your story as it helps others who read this post. Take Care.

By: suzym

suzym — Tue, 12 May 2009 12:17:30 +0000

My husband and I are going through intense counseling right now after I found out that he slept with a prostitute twice in the last year and with a girl he met randomly five years ago. Despite the fact that these were not “relationships”, the betrayal has hurt like hell and my ambivalence about him is like a firestorm within me.

We have always been very close emotionally and physically, although we have always had some issues to work on. I never thought I could even give him a chance if he did something like this, but he is so remorseful, trying so hard to be open and repair and improve our relationship, and be so loving that I am trying to see if we can work it out and wind up in a much better place. It is very difficult sometimes, and a huge leap of faith, but I am not sure it can’t be done. I agree that every situation is entirely different, although they are all so painful. I just say don’t judge anyone else… all circumstances are unique before, during and after the incidents.

By: Lilly

Lilly — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 22:03:24 +0000

@ Elaine, that was an interesting response from your husband. I would want to know too. I think there are a lot of people who know but don’t want to acknowledge it. I agree about the understanding but personally I am not sure I could get over the abuse of trust.

@ Byjane – no I understand what you are saying. And yes, happily married people do not cheat. And people say the faultlines can be fixed but I wonder. Good cooment and thanks for sharing. I was with a married man once but never knew it….a whole other story!

@ Simplyforties – thanks for your comment. I am not sure that my friend is being realistic about this as yet but she will do it her way which is the right way. Well at least you tried. I think when something breaks there is always a weak spot which will snap with the least amount of pressure. Glad you did the right thing for you.

By: SimplyForties

SimplyForties — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 01:56:08 +0000

Oh my goodness, a debate fraught with peril. Every person has to deal with this situation in their own way. Unfortunately as women we like to talk about stuff like this and invite our friends to chime in. It’s unfortunate for us and unfortunate for them. They’re always going to tell you to dump the guy and, if you don’t, your relationship with those friends suffers. You learn not to share so much and your relationship with those friends suffers more. Statistics aside, I agree with byJane that happy, contented people don’t cheat.

I’ve been cheated on and the work it takes to rebuild the trust is mind-boggling. I salute any couple that truly makes it through something like that. Needless to say, I was not able to.

By: byjane

byjane — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:09:15 +0000

My two cents–which I debated whether to throw into the pot or not: I went through a period at the end of my first marriage when I pretty much dated only married men. I got a magazine article out of it which was called, I think “Dating Married Men…” Snappy headline, no? My thesis there was that I dated married men because they allowed me the illusion of being in love without the actual grunt work. In other words, I was safe with them. As I write this, I’m thinking–and your point is, Jane? My point is that what that experience taught me is that happily married people don’t cheat. There is some faultline in the relationship that enables the betrayal. If the faultline isn’t fixed (and can “faultlines” be fixed?), then no amount of forgiving and/or forgetting will resolve the issue.

By: Elaine

Elaine — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 12:46:03 +0000

I think a focus on forgiving is a red herring. Forgive and forget leaves out one important step: understand!

To me, the key to getting through betrayal in a relationship is understanding … understanding how things went astray … understanding each person’s respective role in the relationship … understanding how to go forward in a way that avoids future missteps.

I was reading an advice columnist recently where the reader asked if she should advise her best friend that her husband was cheating. I turned to my husband (reading another part of the paper) and asked if he would want someone to tell him if I was cheating. He responded no. Shocked the heck out of me. I would want to know!

By: Lilly

Lilly — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 03:18:35 +0000

@ Candelaria – its true you never should forget. Forgiveness is hard too but for the relationship to continue you have to. Lovely comment and glad it worked out well for your friend.

@ Pete – aww I am so glad you are like you are and I loved your comment that part of your soul would die. I am with you I think the relationship could never be the same ever. Thanks for your comment.

By: Pete

Pete — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 13:28:32 +0000

Lilly

I agree with your approach of not making a judgement for your friend. Its a Lose-Lose situation for you. Your friend and/or her partner might end up hating you.

On “forgiving” I could forgive but I know the relationship would never be the same again.

On cheating – I’ve never cheated in my life – after 18 years first marriage and 4 years second marriage (continuing). People have offered but I know part of my soul (I’m an atheist) would die.

Pete