The shifting sands of midlife friendship
by Cindy of Cindy LaFerle’s Home Office
“I have lost friends, some by death, others through the sheer inability to cross the street.” – Virginia Woolf
Middle age can be incredibly liberating. We might stop basing our choices on the needs or desires of other people. We stop saying “yes” to every request. We’re more discriminating when we decide how to spend our time — and with whom.
Looking back over the past several years, I realize that many of my social relationships were built on the shifting sands of proximity or shared experience.
When I was much younger, I had several “best friends” in the neighborhood where I grew up. I recently reconnected with one from high school, and we were both thrilled to find we’re just as compatible today. But most of my girlhood friends have moved on or lost touch.
Former coworkers who once shared office space and long lunch hours also come to mind. I’ve enjoyed several years of corporate camaraderie, and a few people with whom I’ve worked are still an active part of my social life now. (Two former editors still celebrate their holidays and birthdays with my family.) But most of my professional friendships faded when I changed jobs.
I’m also thinking of my son’s grade-school years, when I volunteered to work at countless school events and became friendly with a great group of mothers. Occasionally we’d meet for dinner — or several glasses of Chardonnay — without the husbands and kids. Or we’d host rowdy playground picnics with our little ones. And there were the moms in my son’s Cub Scout troop — the intrepid gals who braved rainy camping trips in the woods and bonded over S’mores around the campfire. More often than not, we didn’t have much else in common aside from our kids. But we made some happy memories together.
From my middle-aged perspective, I know that transitions in friendship tend to happen naturally, over time — especially in a highly mobile culture like ours. We move to new cities; we get busy with our families; we change and grow. We stop exchanging holiday cards and remembering birthdays. And if we’re lucky, hurt feelings aren’t a factor. Sometimes, though, guilt and hurt feelings are unavoidable.
Recently, for example, I found myself dragging my heels on my way to a lunch date with an old acquaintance who believes we’re closer than we really are. She’s a very nice person, but our relationship has barely skimmed the surface of things. And while it worked on that level at one time, in a different place, it doesn’t work here and now. I feel insincere spending time with this friend when my heart’s not in it.
Over the years, I’ve learned it’s never healthy to cling to any alliance that’s emotionally draining or one-sided or otherwise uncomfortable. As Emerson said, friendship should offer “mutual aid and comfort” through life’s passages. I think it should be fun, too.
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