Comments on: Friendship at Midlife: Are the days of BFF over?

By: MissKris

MissKris — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:47:00 +0000

I wrote recently in a blog entry about “If I’d only known then what I know now” list how I would’ve held on to some friendships thru life more closely and let others go a long time ago. Maybe it’s because my life is so crammed full right now but I have next-to-no time for friendships any more, outside of those here on the computer. And I think that’s because whoever I know/need on here is here when I have the time to devote to them. Face-to-face friendship takes sooooooooooo much time and effort that I don’t have right now…I do day care for two toddler grandsons 55 hours per week. Thankfully my best friend of 42 years understands and is basically in the same predicament, caring for her terminally ill m-i-l who’s living with her and her husband right now so our friendship at this stage consists of dashed-off emails to each other. I’m not a very social creature anyway so I don’t require much outside of a core group of friends I’ve had for many years. Superficial friendships have come and gone thru the years, tho there have been a few of those I wish I could’ve held on to if circumstances had been different. Right now what I wish I had more of in life is sleep and TIME, ha!

By: Karen

Karen — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 02:51:44 +0000

I have always felt that if I am not getting at least 30% of what I give in a friendship it is time to move on. We all change and grow in different ways. Sometimes it is best to just acknowledge that the relationship was good when it was good, but to move on when it no longer serves any good purpose. There are way too many people in the world to spend precious time with people who are not “there”.

By: Cindy La Ferle

Cindy La Ferle — Fri, 29 May 2009 11:45:27 +0000

Hi everyone,
Sorry to have been out of the picture all week … after the Memorial Day holiday, I’ve been out of town helping my twenty-something son move into his first home in Chicago.

Laura, you made a comment about friends being more like “family,” and that hit home with me. As time goes by, my husband and I find that our best friends are the ones with whom we can share our deepest cares and concerns — and they feel more like family than our real siblings much of the time. Ben Jonson once said, “Friends are a family — a family one chooses.” Ain’t that the truth?? Our best friends do tend to be those with whom we have a shared history.

As I wrote in the original post, I do think friendship morphs and changes as we age. Proximity has a lot to do with it, but then again, the heart has its own reasons. I also believe we learn something from every friendship.

By: the Mayor

the Mayor — Thu, 28 May 2009 23:29:25 +0000

Cindy- I agree with your perspective on moving through phases of life and the different people that become comrades. But I have to agree with Duchess and the loyalty issue with those who have stuck with you whether you wanted them to or not.

Does it not almost get back to the wanting to be friends with the popular”with it” girl when your true friend might be the one who is always a mess with sesame seeds in her teeth, but shows up when you run out of gas?

By: byjane

byjane — Wed, 27 May 2009 22:52:02 +0000

Don’t know what happened to Cindy, so I’ll stick my two cents in here.

OnDaRoad: It seems like my “best” friends, the ones who stay true, are those who I’ve known since I was young. More recently I’ve been disappointed in the way friends I thought were “best” are now just barely acquaintences.

Laura: That thing of mirroring still goes on for me with my closest friends, and it’s what I find nourishes me. I can be in a funk, but I know if I talk to this friend or that, even when she’s in the same funk, I leave the conversation feeling heard.

Duchess: The stickiness of true friends…now that’s a post in the making.

Kat: My best friends, the ones that have stuck, are mostly those I have a LOONNNGGG history with. Janice, who is my partner in MLB, and I met in 9th grade. We’ve drifted apart over the years when our lives were going different directions, but it only took a minute or two to get right back into the conversation we started way back when. The same is true of Liz and Laurie and George and Marilyn and Dorothy. That connection is what I look for in a friend–and what I’ve not really found lately.

Chris: I too have moved so many times. This is the first time, however, that I haven’t really connected in that way with anyone. Don’t know why? Maybe it’s me?

By: Chris

Chris — Wed, 27 May 2009 21:46:39 +0000

I’ve moved so many times and each time it’s been a different dynamic for making friends. Early on it was without kids, so friends evolved from work relationships. Subsequent moves had babies in tow so community playgroups were a godsend for friendship building. Later, school aged alliances formed with the parents of my kids’ friends. Now as my kids get older, facing another move, I think common interests will be the key to new connections. I’ve found openness to new people brings so many great surprises. Also, Facebook is a gift to maintaining old friendships. Shifting sands? Definitely. But it’s infinitely interesting meeting new people.

By: Kat

Kat — Tue, 26 May 2009 00:19:37 +0000

Most of the friends I have now I know from my kids when they were in school. To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure how you would make friends in middle age. I had a friend move away for a few years and she could not wait to move back so she could have her friends back…and boy we were happy to have her back. I have been thinking of moving to San Diego where I have 2 brothers but really don’t know anyone. I imagine if I were to make new friends it would be though old friends, but if you don’t have any old friends in your area, then what? Book clubs? Meet up groups? My friend said it was really hard to make friends in her new neighborhood, which was so odd as she is a a very friendly lady.

But, I totally get the changing times. Some of my friends are themselves changing with our kids now much older, young 20s for the most part, and interests have changed. Who knew being in your 50s would bring such changes?!

By: Duchess

Duchess — Sun, 24 May 2009 19:55:17 +0000

Sometimes, it seems to me, life long friends end up being the people who refuse to be dropped or get lost. It isn’t perhaps that you loved them best, just that they were best at sticking.