Comments on: The Weekly Rant: Little White Lies and the Unvarnished Truth

By: cardiogirl

cardiogirl — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 08:39:58 +0000

@byjane, It is dicey, that’s for sure. However, I do believe there’s a diplomatic way to say anything and everything.

“I don’t want to visit you because I don’t want to visit you. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you; it’s just that I don’t want to do that trip.” becomes:

This is not a good time for us to visit. I won’t bore you with the details but things are really chaotic and we cannot handle a road trip right now.

“You’re not invited because–you’re not. It’s not that you’re not valued; it’s just that there are other people who are more important for this event than you.” Ugh, this one is hard:

It was very difficult to come up with the guest list because of our budget and the size of the hall/house/church/whatever. I hope you don’t take this as a personal slight, but that is why we did not invite you this time.

“Thanks for the offer, but this time we can’t take you up on it.” This one is perfect and I’m going to throw that one in my backpack if you don’t mind.

Now having said all of that, the person hearing the honest answer needs to accept no as the answer. I’ve given him the reason and I’ve tried to say it in a diplomatic way.

If he’s gonna debate me on what my definition of chaotic is, how I can better organize my time and how the visit really will work out when he wants it to, he can go jump in a lake.

I said no. We will not be visiting, don’t make any plans around us.

By: Joanna Jenkins

Joanna Jenkins — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 04:59:07 +0000

Life would be so much easier if people cut the crap and just told the truth, but sadly– I don’t think we can all take/give the truth all the time. But calling people out (at least some people) would be nice.

By: byjane

byjane — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 17:20:06 +0000

@Walker,
Wweeellll, I’m not so sure I agree with your friend about whose problem it is when communication goes awry. I know people (hey, I’m related to some of them!) for whom ‘in head, out mouth’ is the norm. I think there’s a way of saying stuff that makes it more palatable. It takes more time to come up with, yes, but it saves feelings. As I said in the post, what bothers me is it being assumed that I will go along with the lie. In the future, I think I’ll try to call it at the time.

By: Walker

Walker — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 12:41:24 +0000

What bothers me, as I read yours, is the lack of regard. I’m with you-be honest. It’s less hurtful to tell the truth. Though, admittedly, I have a hard time with this too.. I was raised to be “pleasing” so I never want to hurt feelings or look too self-centered.
I have a friend who tells the truth all the time; her theory is that if the recipient is having a hard time hearing it the problem is theirs to deal with. She’s upfront and honest, and doesn’t attach any icky emotions, it’s just straight up. She calls it communicating with integrity.

ps: the relative with screaming kid needs a class in child-rearing and discipline.