A Halloween Rant

Halloween in Elk Grove was a total bust last night, as far as I was concerned.  In years past, the little ones started arriving around 5, so I was ready at 4.  Yes, I was surprised too, but in years past, I’ve been so rushed at the end that I never had time to apply my false eyelashes or my false fingernails.  I was determined to do so this year, and if you check the photo above, you can appreciate both.


I went as a witch–in case you needed to be told.  I went as a witch last year too.  It isn’t a costume so much as a hat with fake hair.  I then fill in the blank of being a thoughtful witch (this year) or a grim witch (last year).  My next door neighbor went as a firefighter, a sexy one.  When I saw her, I realized how far past the point of sexy Halloween costumes I have fallen.

The first trick or treater didn’t ring my bell until well after 6, and then it was the little boy next door (with the sexy firefighter mom).  Then nothing.  I walked around in my full regalia, feeling like my prom date had stood me up.  I went outside several times to peer up and down the street to see if anyone–anyone!–was coming.

A couple of kids hit our door somewhere around 7:30.  By then, I had lost so many false fingernails, I took them all off.  I also removed–yes, in a fit of pique–my witches hat and hair.

For the next hour, I answer the door dressed as me, but with outlandish makeup (turquoise eyeshadow–and those lashes).  I didn’t count the kids, but I can tell you they barely made a dent in the candy bowl.  At 8:30 I turned out all the lights and sulked in front of the TV for the rest of the evening.

I blame the media for this.  The news is so full of tragedy, drama and trauma that the simple pleasures of trick or treating become seen as gateways to child pornography and murder.

KCRA, the Sacramento NBC affiliate, helpfully featured two stories on the local newscast: one was about a church that was having a party for the children of their congregation so that the sweet young things would not be exposed to the hazards of The Street.  This party came complete with flyover of a local helicopter dropping candy for the kids to scurry after and pick up.  Sort of like the starving children of Africa scurry to pick up the food parcels the Free World is sending them.

The other news story was one advising parents how they could ensure that their kids didn’t trick or treat at the home of a sex offender.  Definitely a wise use of the database from Megan’s Law; what parent would have thought of that on their own?

My Patch column last week was about Halloween’s past and present.  Yes, I understand that the world is a different place from when I was a kid and we roamed the neighborhood on our own eating homemade popcorn balls.  First there was the idiot that put razor blades into the apples he handed out (bad enough that he thought apples were a treat).  Then there was the idiot who put poison in the homemade treats.

How many of either of those idiots were there?  More than one?  Ten? Fifty? Any number that would make the odds impressive?  Enough to justify the dire warnings that now are the adult chorus burbling just below the children’s melodic, “Trick or Treat”?  I think not.

The end result, as the Sexy Firefighter (who is barely in her 20s) lamented, is that Halloween as we knew it is now gone forever.  So sad….


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