Abercrombie Is A Bitch
by Cecilia Nault, The Mayor of Sass Town
Even though I knew better, my daughter with the superstar style persuaded me to step through the portal of auditory hell to use a gift card she had long ago received for Abercrombie & Fitch. I blamed it on my practical nature as she led me right over the threshold to where the club level music volume was pulsing.
They have some nice looking stuff, but most of it requires layering (because it’s too skimpy to be worn without something under it or over it). After all, that’s their look for the female. They’ll cheerfully pull together an ensemble consisting of a cute tank top under a low cut paper thin t-shirt with a zipper hoodie to throw over the whole thing. That will probably be about $100 before you even look at the jeans, shorts or leggings.
There at the entry folding table, this sweet young thing doing triple duty (folding, security and greeting) shouted, “Hey there, what’s happening???” I gave her a mild stink eye and kept on walking deeper into the dark inner sanctum where they expect parents to shop for their teens clothing. After three exasperating minutes, I remembered why I make it a policy never to come in here: it makes my head want to pop off.
I urged my teenage icon, “just grab a t-shirt off of the clearance table and let’s get out of here.” Oh yeah, I was a lot of fun to be with at this point. I looked around at the other shopping couples , they didn’t seem to be filled with a visceral hate for the overpriced, dimly lit haven for the soon-to-be deaf.
Walking to the back of the store, I am bombarded with the larger-than-life-sized photos of taut young torsos in blue jeans barely pulled up enough to crest the top of their pubic bone. Strangely, all of the very short zippers are undone in the pictures. I fantasize briefly about…
…. ripping the ear bud off of the cashier’s head because her lips are moving but I can’t hear a word she is saying. Look, if you want me to pay you are going to have to tell me how much (but it’s too loud in here to hear) or maybe you could show me (but it’s too cave-like to see). No wonder we’re all overpaying in here. We just sign the bloody receipt so we can get out of the store without incident.
Take heed, people. Abercrombie’s a bitch and Hollister is her bratty little sister. If you really feel you must go in, strap on your war gear first.You also might want to role play with your teen and prepare them to hear the word no, that’s too skimpy, too sheer, too tight, etc. I’d also recommend some Bose noise-cancelling headphones and maybe a flashlight to help you find your way out.