Protected: Writer’s Workshop: Editing, First Draft

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Tagged as: editing, revision, Writers Workshop, writing

  • http://midlifebloggers.com byjane

    Mary,
    What questions would you pose to the author to help her develop her theme?
    Jane

    • Mary

      I would as her to define the purpose in writing the piece. Is it intended to be inspirational or an author’s open-ended exploration of a concept?

  • Mary

    I believe the purpose of the article is to express shock in the realization each of us comes to, if we are lucky, that what we think ours live will be, is not always what they turn out to be. The personal growth that comes from this can be a truely amazing thing. However,in this essay, the concept gets lost from the beginning with the reference to a song, that has nothing to do with it.

    The song simple acts as a trigger to a line of thinking, resulting in the realization. This is a difficult concept to communicate. In rearranging the structure of the essay this could be accomplished is a more fluid manner.

    The author needs to be careful this does not become a “pity party”.

    I agree completely that the title needs to be changed and the Pandora’s box reference is out of place.

    I would very much like to see this piece when it is reworked.

  • http://thefiftyfactor.com Joanna Jenkins

    Hi Jane, I thought Pandora’s box WAS explained in a positive light of things to look forward to as a young woman– “…Pandora’s box filled with the wondrous and amazing promises…”.

    What I thought lacked was a “middle” to the story.

    I felt I had an idea of who the 20 year old woman was, or at least what her expectations were for the future. And I understood who the nearly 64 year old woman is today with an uncertain future. But, despite marriage, kids, cancer and 9/11, I didn’t understand how the 64 year old woman got to this uncertain and insecure point in her life. Yes, marriage, kids, cancer and 9/11 were included but I thought it lacked the “middle”– the emotional impact these things had on the woman in mid-life to tell the complete story and answer the questions about her security, the present and her future.

    Thanks again for doing this with is.

    • http://midlifebloggers.com byjane

      Joanna,
      Yes, I had a lot of questions too when I first read this draft. I’ll be posting my annotated copy of it on Monday.

  • cherirae

    I totally agree that the title needs to be changed. The song, rather whimsically, poses a question to what one would assume is the author’s significant other. The article itself is quite depressing in tone as the author talks about her life and it seems to pivot around the experienced loss of her spouse, the trauma of 9/11 and the frightening uncertainty of her future.

    Seems the author is uncertain about the purpose of her article. Is she showing the transition from the dreams and fantasies she entertained as a young person to the reality of life as it unfolded or is she wondering about feeling alone and starting over at 64 without her spouse, financial difficulties and the fears of terrorism or is she trying to speak of the advantages of living in the present as opposed to focusing on the future or is she commiserating about the unfortunate place she now finds herself in? Anyone of those directions could work but not all of them.

    The Pandora’s Box metaphor was very confusing.

    I was very tempted to first do some micro-editing but, in accordance with the assignment, I resisted. I am curious about that part of the assignment as it seems punctuation, sentence structure and spelling would have assisted me in more clearly
    identifying the arrangement, focus and tone of the article.

    • http://midlifebloggers.com byjane

      Lia,
      I like that you spoke to the general tone of the essay, as you did in the last paragraph. That’s macro-editing. Micro-editing is to suggest word changes, which is not what we’re doing here.
      Jane

      Cheriae,
      Good job on resisting the micro-editing. Your job was to “identify the arrangement, focus and tone of the article” as it came across to you, not as you thought the writer might have intended. And that’s exactly what you did!
      Jane

  • Lia

    I agree with Susan on changing the title to fit the content or changing the content to fit the title. The title doesn’t work. In actuality, the refrain of the song is: “Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m sixty-four?” Even if the title were corrected, the feel of the song (a light, playful tune about a relationship between two people) is opposite to the serious tone of the writer’s point: being alone, getting older and not having security, tranquility and love in the world at large. Perhaps a better title, sticking to the Beatles’ theme, would be “Yesterday…all my troubles seemed so far away…” which would set the tone for the somewhat somber tone of the piece.

    I also agree with Cheryl and Liz, that the writer can start off with something such as “In 3 weeks I will be 64″ and continue with something to the effect of “I can’t believe how the time has flown, it seems like yesterday, I was in my 20s and …” The writer could then talk about how carefree life was in her 20s (not using the Pandora’s box image which is a negative image); changing the “uncertainty” to “anticipation” and give a few more examples of the good and bad times she’s experienced in the years between 20 and 64.

    In the third paragraph before the last paragraph, is the writer still uncertain about her future, or is she anticipating it? Sounds as if she’s uncertain, disappointed that life hasn’t lived up to all that had been promised in her 20s. Whereas, looking for a career and a relationship at 20 is a good thing, but a bad thing at 64.

    Now I’m depressed.

  • http://midlifebloggers.com byjane

    Susan: You’re right. There’s a problem with the Pandora’s Box analogy.

    Liz: I’m glad you resisted the temptation to edit. When I’m reading something, I go through it the first time “sitting on my hands.”

    Cheryl: Hmmmmm.

    Jane

  • http://thatgirlisfunny.com/ Cheryl

    Hi Everyone,
    I agree with Liz about rearranging the paragraphs: start with paragraph 3 (in 3 weeks, I will be 64), then paragraph 2, then 4, then 1, followed by lines 1 and 2.

    That would help to establish a point in time for us to follow along with the writer’s thoughts.

    Cheryl

  • http://inventingliz.blogspot.com Liz

    First, I’m having a hard time focusing on the macro-edit when there is so much micro-editing to do…can I do that later? ;)

    I agree with Susan’s point #4, that sentence is very confusing. I had to stop and think about whether a Pandora’s box is something positive or negative…I think it has a negative feeling, which makes a “Pandora’s box filled with the wondrous and amazing promises” a bit hard to swallow.

    I don’t mind the jump from 20 to 64, but there is something about the order of the paragraphs that doesn’t feel right…I would try starting with where you are at 64 first and then looking back to your expectations at 20.

    I like the last two sentences, if I were writing this I would probably chuck everything else except those two sentences and re-write the whole piece (including the title) with a focus on getting the reader more smoothly to those two sentences.

  • Susan

    1. I suggest either changing the title of the piece or make the content fit the title. The title made me believe that somehow in the end there was going to something happening with a love type relationship.
    2. Even if the central idea is about still loving yourself at 64 -the content doesn’t really even go in that direction.
    3. Skipping from the age 20 to 64 in the change of a paragraph – felt like it was shifting from 1st gear to 5th gear in a span of .05 second. If your central idea is how your ideas and attitudes about life change as you mature, then I would like to have read briefly what you thought in your 30′s, 40′s, and 50′s.
    4. The second sentence of the second paragraph I lose myself in concentrating on the analogy and feel I miss the contribution that sentence makes to the piece. Like my lump of clay, every sentence is like the brush stroke on a painting. You take many strokes in different directions, with different brushes, different colors.. and each stroke contributes to how the painting looks in the end.

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