Of Marriage, Life, Art and Loss

Dance, artwork by Denise

by Denise of Not What It Seems

“One day seven years ago I found myself saying to myself — I can’t live where I want to — I can’t go where I want to go — I can’t do what I want to — I can’t even say what I want to … I decided I was a very stupid fool not to at least paint as I wanted to.” Georgia O’Keeffe, 1923.

I read this quotation yesterday and it is vibrating within me like a bell ringing in my soul. Why? Because I have allowed myself to be trapped, stuck by the behaviors of someone else. There has been little writing, although that is getting better. I have found excuses to avoid yoga for weeks, and creating art? Not a blessed thing.

My husband is an active alcoholic. He was also diagnosed about 7 years ago with cerebral atrophy. Among the directives he received from his doctor were to eat healthy, take vitamins, exercise and avoid alcohol. For a while before we moved back to the island, he adhered to these directives. Over the past two years he has abandoned them all. And he has embraced alcohol with all the fervor with which he used to hold me. He has resisted all my attempts to get him back to the doctor or otherwise help him.

It is impossible to determine and ultimately unimportant which is fueling his behavior: the loss of impulse control from the assault to his brain, or the lethargy that alcohol brings. Regardless of the causes, I am dealing with an enormous loss, and the agony of watching him erase himself. It is the antithesis of creating. It is chaos as well as inertia.

However, it is his chaos and inertia, not mine; a difficult concept to remember on a daily basis.

So, although painting is not my metier, I need to create as I want to. I’d been waiting for something to happen before I unpacked my art supplies after moving them out of what was to be my studio and back into the house. But the change is going to have to be created by me.

I no longer have a viable partner in my life. I cannot wait to find a new place to live, wait until my studio is usable, wait until he discovers what he has lost.

So today, I will go to yoga with a friend. I will unpack at least two boxes of supplies, and I will choose three poems to send to a poetry contest. I will be my own cheerleader, although I will forgo the pom-poms. And I will continue to pray for my husband.

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  • http://starrlife.wordpress.com starrlife

    So sorry to hear about your situation…. so challenging and traumatic. You are correct to a degree- it is his chaos but being married is being hitched to the same wagon and it is hard to pull in one direction when they are pulling in another. That being said I think that you can create your own safe spaces and go for it! It’s wonderful to see your readiness and read your cheerleading! Hugs and a safe journey.

  • http://www.anexultationoflarks.blogspot.com Denise

    Thank you starrlife! It is a challenge to make a safe space when you’ve been accustomed to “do” for others most of your life, but such a joy when you make one!

  • http://www.duchessomnium.com Duchess

    I found your blog almost two years ago and read every word — about your daughter, about raising L, about your marriage and moving to the island. I thought you were so generous and loving to offer your grandson a home, and then so brave and unselfish in losing him for the very good reason that his mother was getting herself together. But most of all I thought you were lucky to have found someone to share your life and to get old with.

    For a long time your posts have been brief and often dark, and I have worried that your new life had crumbled in many ways. I remember that you wrote, without a lot of explanation, about the brain atrophy diagnosis, and then obliquely about the alcohol. I am so sorry!

    But you have been strong before and you are clearly still strong now. Or at least strong enough for yoga, and to remember that you need to create — words, pictures, objects, home.

  • http://www.not-what-it-seems.blogspot.com Denise

    Duchess- No fair making me cry so early in the morning. I am so touched by people “out there” reaching out and offering kind words and support. It means the world to me.

  • http://confessionsofapiratewife.blogspot.com/ Lorinda

    I have read your blog… I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs from one who cares.

  • http://www.anexultationoflarks.blogspot.com Denise

    Lorinda,

    Hugs right back to you!

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