Are you a Shadow Boomer?

Great post, Karen. I answered yes to all the questions, and I am now seriously pondering my roadmap. Thanks!

As the 50-year-old mother of a 6-year-old, I feel like I’m in a category of one! I often wonder what contemplating these next 10 years would feel like if I weren’t going to be parenting through them. I might be bored to death . . .

Karen, I love what you’re saying — but I’m confused by the statement that “no other generation has had to deal with” these issues. Hasn’t every generation faced them to varying degrees?

Good, thorough article.

So many baby boomers are downsizing now in order to make their lives easier, in many ways. It’s wonderful to see “mature” people following their hearts while respecting their wallets.

Lauri Ward, author, Downsizing Your Home With Style: Living Well In A Smaller Space

redecorate.com/blog

Since at 45 I’m thrashing with it right now, I’d like to add one more to the list of life issues and transitions: facing the sunset of my reproductive years in an era of where fertility treatments have all but become the new plastic surgery. After 14 years of fighting infertility I’d like some peace. The only trouble is I’m still ovulating like a champ, but the eggs are near useless. It’s the ultimate mindf^^k.

Lauri:
I just got off the phone with an apt manager where I’ll probably be moving to in LA. I shocked myself by saying, “yes, I’d be interested in a 400 sq ft studio”. My house now is about 2500 sq feet. For a minute, I hesitated about going down in size: that’s what I lived in in my 20s. But then I thought–hey, I don’t need all the space and I don’t want all the space. It’s not going backward; it’s moving on.

msmeta–if you answered “yes” to all the questions, you are an amazing woman. You deal with what others would call the weight of the world and yet are always so positive and supportive in your posts. Let me know if I can help in any way as you develop your roadmap.

Karen

Ann–

Believe it or not, I understand in some way what you’re going through. My sister is the 53 year old mom of a 4 year old. She always wanted to have a child but didn’t really contemplate that the experience would be part of her midlife. But like you, she wouldn’t trade it for the world. We call my sister “Meno Mom” and moms like the two of you could blow the young mommybloggers out of the water with the wisdom of midlife that accompanies your parenting skills.

Karen

Susan–you’re right that other generations have had to deal with some of these issues. What I meant and said less artfully is that many in our generation will be overwhelmed by having to face all or many of these issues at one time, like msmeta mentions in her comment above. What do you think?

Karen

Laurie–

I’ve seen that trend towards downsizing among my circle of friends. “Less is more” has a whole new fan club. I’m off to Amazon to look for your book. This is a topic I’d like to blog about on Midlife’s A Trip. When you have a minute, take a peek at my Monday post on co-housing by guest author Allison Allen from over at http://www.womenbloom.com.

Karen

Pamela Jeanne–

I want to acknowledge your courage for sharing this difficult life issue in your comment. Even though I didn’t struggle with infertility, I recall my feelings about the “sunset” of my childbearing years as I reached the magic 1 year menopause milestone. Part of me was relieved, but part of me was reluctant to let go.

What would being at peace about your infertility look like to you? What would it feel like? What is the first step you could take towards getting the peace you want?

Karen

Karen, this and your previous thought provoking post talked about achieving growth in midlife partly through assembling a support system. But how can women create that system? Most of us have been conditioned to provide support — for children, partners, and sometimes elderly parents too — rather than seek it for ourselves. Those of us who come to midlife more alone than we expected, through divorce or widowhood or childlessness or estrangement or whatever, may feel there is little support to draw on. Where do we find it? That’s not a rhetorical question. It’s a real issue.

Duchess,

I know what you’re talking about here in terms of a support group. I’m single (widowed for 14 years) and had assembled a great support group, always felt supported. But suddenly there has been a rash of my single girlfriends all getting paired off and, well, you know what often happens then.

Now I’m going through re-assembly. For me, I’ve come to peace with the idea that it often has to be me making the connections and taking action to get a little energy going. That’s an easy thing for me, but I don’t think others do it so naturally. If I meet a woman or know a woman I’d like to get to know better, I initiate coffee or something. I might have an informal brunch or other casual get together. Book groups are another way.

And, I do think you can find support online, much as we’re doing here.

Duchess–

You’re right that many midlife women are struggling to find a way to recreate a strong support system. As I think about your question, I realize the answer is at least another article, maybe more. But let me respond here briefly with my own experience.

Like the women you describe, my trip through midlife has included the empty nest as my son moved into his own life, losing a husband to divorce, losing my dad to the illnesses of old age, losing the companionship of my mother to dementia and watching the decline of my best friend of 50 years due to early onset Alzheimer’s. I had a major shrinking support system.

And then I had a mindset shift that started with my decision to focus on what I wanted in this next phase of life. The answers didn’t come overnight but when they did I realized that life and my support system didn’t have to look the same as it did in the first half of my life. I started being open to meeting new friends at places like knitting lessons, political events, church, gardening and of course blogging.

For me, getting out of my comfort zone being open to meeting new people in new ways is helping me maintain a support network of friends. So now I have a question for you. Are there several places where you can meet potential new friends in the next week?

Karen

Allison–

Great advice. And you’re right about the support online. What a great community we have with midlife women bloggers.

Karen

This online community is what has kept me going during the past year when all of my support disappeared. Like you, Duchess, I moved to a place where I knew no one. Once my husband did, as the Brits say, a midnight flit, I was totally alone. In suburbia. There are days that go by when I’m having my only serious conversations with Molly–and with you all. I guess that’s not too bad. She keeps me warm in bed and gives me kisses and you all give me intellectual stimulation.

I did the sorts of things you’re suggesting, Karen. I became active in a neighborhood organization and on the board of a women’s group, but they were activities I did to have activities, not because I was really interested in the issues of the organization or the group. That’s when I realized I had to leave this area and move somewhere where there are more options for interacting.

A good place to meet other midlifers is in art or photography classes. I’ve been taking courses through a local university’s extension program for about three years. Almost everyone in the class is in their 40s, 50s or 60s. Lots of women & the occasional guy or two. You don’t have to be a great artist — the classes often attract people who simply want to learn something new. Daytime classes generally have an older crowd, while night classes are more mixed in age. I’ve made some really good friends this way. You can also try Meetup.com — I’ve seen groups for women, singles and couples over 40. Hope this helps!

Well, I’m no social scientist — but “sandwich generation” problems have been around for awhile. My mom was 40 when she had me. When I was a teenager, my grandfather came to live with us. It wasn’t considered all that unusual.

I think there are only two things that differentiate our generation: our longer lifespan, and the expectation that we will be active and engaged throughout the second half. However, I find that comforting. I’d rather have those problems than the ones previous generations faced… suddenly finding themselves shunted off to the side with only 10 or 20 years to live after retirement. That’s depressing!

Seems like the date range for baby boomers has changed over the years. There was a time when my mother was considered one and I wasn’t. Now she’s not one but I am. Confusing.

marue: You’re right. The 1946-1964 boundaries are relatively recent. They are, I believe, a function of what I’d call Demographic Neatness to Aid and Abet Advertising, etc. Originally, baby boomers were those kids born after the end of WWII. But that was a bit too messy, so the new dates reflect more when the kids were conceived. Cute, no? Just another way in which we are defined by our labels rather than the other way around. And I must say, it pisses me off.

it pisses me off too, because I was considered Gen X for awhile there (1961). And I really loved reminding my husband that it meant I was hipper than he was

Jane–

You’ve found, like many of us, that this time of life is less about just “doing” and more about “being”. Activities have to have meaning now — bring significance to our lives. So I understand that you have to go where you can be the person you want to show up in the world as. For me, the consumate city dweller, that meant moving from my cool, funky loft where I just came and went to a little house in an small very politically active suburb where I connect with people who think like me.

What kind of move did you make and how’s the transition been for you?

Karen

Susan–

Thanks for your suggestions. I’d like to check out a photography class myself. And I’m going to check out Meetup.com. You know, you raise an interesting point here–maybe another article–for those of us who are single, how do you meet an “occasional guy” to go out with? Anyone have some wisdom to share on that topic?

Karen

Marue, Jane and Susan–

I’m tired of the labels too. As Jane points out, Baby Boomer denotes a generation of people born at a certain time. But whenever I hear “Boomer”, it makes me think of some big guy who plays football That’s why you’ll see me using the term “midlife” because to me it’s more about a state of mind than just an age. You can be 40 and consider yourself in midlife or you can be 80. We don’t need the boundaries anymore of having to fit into a box called whatever. Unless, as Susan points out, we want to be called “hip”. I’ll take that anyday!

Karen

To All the Midlife Bloggers out at BlogHer ’08 –

Hope you have a great time meeting and networking with one another!! I so wish I could be there to hang out with you — this wonderful growing community of midlife women who blog.

For all of us who aren’t there, maybe you BlohHer ’08 attendees can post comments back here so we can get the vibe from afar about your impressions and experience at the conference.

Have fun and travel safe.

Karen
http://midlifesatrip.com

Karen:
I’ll be taking photos and definitely blogging about the Meetup tomorrow. Tomorrow?! Gotta go!

Two things:

1. The Baby Boom was actually from 1946 through 1964, not 1965. There is even some controversy about the 1964 end date but the classic definition of the Baby Boom generation is from 1946 through 1964.

2. You are correct that there are two distinct subsets of Boomers, the “early boomers” and the “late boomers”(or “Cohort 1″ and “Cohort 2″), but “Shadow Boomer” is actually used to refer to the late boomers, a.k.a., Cohort 2, not to the age group you describe.

True Shadow Boomer/Baby Boomer Cohort 2 Member, out!