Letter to my son
by Judy of Five Husbands
My son is participating in a leadership conference this weekend. Parents were invited to send letters to their children to be opened as a surprise during the weekend. One of the many stresses of long term unemployment and poverty is that opportunities like this get jumbled and mixed up. His dad can afford to buy/do/provide what he needs – I cannot.
This sets up stress. He walks and lives in 2 different worlds. His father’s, where their home is a McMansion and his archetypal stepmother doesn’t work, has a trust fund and gets weekly massages and manicures at home and mine, where I live in his childhood home (still owned by dad), rent free, in lieu of child support, where, since I lost my job, there are no frills and sometimes, not even the necessities.
His father works hard, makes a good living, but has always balked at paying additional child support and I made a decision early on not to put my child through the pain of litigation over that issue. In retrospect, I think it was a mistake, but with only 8 months until he leaves for college, it is water over the dam. But I think in not fighting for what could have made my life, and by association his life, better, I think I lost his respect. Without a job, and struggling to keep my car, food on the table and the lights on, sometimes I feel I have nothing to offer him. When he tells me how his dad is spending all this money on college application fees, I die a little inside that I, in spite of all my education and skills, cannot help.
And sometimes in the day to day stress of trying to survive I feel like all I give him is pain. This letter is my attempt to give him something more.
Open letter to my son.
My darling boy,It seems I am always running to catch up – last week when the school’s request came to write a letter to be presented to you this weekend, you were unsure about going so I didn’t do it. But here in between breakfast and driving you to school I am stealing a few moments to let you know how proud I am of you.
You are an extraordinary young man – full of courage and heart. You work hard and you play hard. These traits are not new – you have always embraced the challenge and joy life brought to your plate. Never lose your passion for sport – it nourishes your spirit and keeps you safe from the inevitable stress of life. Never lose your ability to savor joy in every moment, no matter how small, because this will keep you optimistic when life becomes challenging.
You are my pride and my joy – I know you are your father’s as well. I am sorry for the troubles that my life and my choices have placed on your shoulders. With deep humility I ask that you not let these troubles make you bitter or hard, rather open your heart so that within the pain you feel and see every day, you grow in compassion and strength.
You do not have to be cold and dispassionate to get things done. The truly strong are not afraid to really see the pain and struggles of their fellow human beings. When you know and feel what those around you are dealing with, you have the opportunity to lift them up, and in lifting them up, you create strong relationships. This is true in family, business and community.
Honey, you have all the qualities of a great leader. As you continue to mature and grow, don’t ignore any aspect of who you are. Your spirituality is just as important as your physical strength. Your compassion is just as important as your intellect.
I am so proud of you – I love you very much.
Mommy
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WE can only hope and pray,that our children learn from our mistakes and hopfully they have the good from both parents. show them love and respect also. realize altho young ,they have feelings and moods like we do. and its all about keeping the closness and showing them our love .also the communication ,has too stay open.Talking too one another is the best medicine.
As a parent any decision effects your child. The courage is to write a letter like this and communicate your love and your understanding that whatever one does it effects another.
A letter like this is priceless. I am still finding the courage to write one to my daughter who feels she has suffered from my decisions.
To everyone -
Friday I got 2 job offers. One was an extremely good job – and I accepted it. I start in January.
When I told my son – we both cried. For the first time in a long time we are secure. And the job is one that I have been looking for for a long time.
I will write more about the process but for now, for this past day, I have been standing in joy, and feeling something I thought I had lost forever, peace.
How incredibly moving.
Five Husbands reply on December 12th, 2008 9:23 pm:
Thank you very much -
Ah, another example of something I was keenly reminded of recently, that ‘seeing’ people for their unique special qualities, and then telling them about it can make such a shift in their perception of themselves and of you. It was brought home to me how it can touch people to their core.
I can only imagine how hard this situation has been for you. I think scores of women make the decision you made and come to see it differently later on. I have any number of friends who would probably say the same thing after experiencing something similar. I read once that women make financial decisions based on keeping relationships intact and conflict free, but then often later realize it takes a toll on those very relationships (and a toll on them financially) in ways they couldn’t foresee.
I admire your courage in putting it out there…maybe it will help other women see their situation in a different light. The payoff is you’ve obviously raised a wonderful, caring son who has learned some important lessons about compassion and his Mom that he might otherwise not have learned.
I’m sending positive vibes for you that 2009 is the start of a much better time for you!
Five Husbands reply on December 12th, 2008 9:23 pm:
Thank you – your observation is right on target. I worked very hard to avoid conflict and it happened anyway.
I think women need to stand up and say enough – not take it all in and just get by.
Margaret -Thank you. I did share it with him. A few weeks after he read it he decided to write a college essay on the challenge of growing up with one parent who had money and the other who struggled. In reading what he wrote I believe he understands a lot more about what makes a valuable life.
That is a beautiful letter. If you haven’t shown it to him, I hope that someday you do.
I already commented on your letter on your blog–it truly struck a chord with me. I also thought I’d add Ditto to what Laura said. Plus this: After years of agonizing over the effect of my decisions on my children, I am now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel—and standing in that light are two miraculously well-adjusted adults.
Five Husbands reply on December 10th, 2008 9:28 pm:
Darryle – many things about getting older, to put it bluntly suck, but the joy of seeing our children grow up into wonderful human beings is a gift. I am grateful to see what I think are my ex’s and my best qualities reflected in my son’s character.
Beautiful letter, thanks for sharing it, as well as your story. I, too, have had to deal with raising my daughters in the shadow of decisions that I made that have impacted too many emotional and financial issues. We can only hope that our children pick up the good from us, and not just critique us.
Five Husbands reply on December 10th, 2008 9:24 pm:
Thank you Laura – over the past year of my unemployment I often felt that my son was overly critical. He often parroted what I heard from his dad – that jobs were everywhere – and they most decidedly were not. I think his fear made him critical, not a lack of caring, and I think this letter reminded him of what, deep down, what he believed about the good in me.
Such a strong wise letter! Thanks so much for sharing it!
Five Husbands reply on December 10th, 2008 9:20 pm:
Thank you – when you have had an “eventful” life I don’t think it is so much wisdom as experience. And taking that view I would have to answer that yes – I am experienced.
leah reply on September 18th, 2009 3:56 pm:
The email was so touching and i am so familiar with the feelings you are sharing in this wonderful letter too your son. we put our children through so much,and we dont mean too,we at the time think we are making the right choices ,and seems sooner or later it dosent seem too have been the right choice. being a parent is such a hard and sometimes regretful, blessing,and joy. and all we can d is love them,and reasure them tha no matter what they are what makes us who we are and the joy we have is all do too them being in our life.
thank you so much for sharing.
leah from indiana