I don’t know if I’m going to post this. I don’t even know if I’ll finish writing it. But I must start.
Self-awareness sometimes comes slowly to me. I’ll be operating on one plane and then suddenly I’m on another. Without foresight or, it seems, insight.
The past couple of weeks have been excellent. I’m moving forward on my career plans with a speed and enthusiasm that amazes me. Full days of producing work I’m more than pleased with. Purposeful. Positive. Joyful, even.
And then Monday morning, I wasn’t. It wasn’t anything I could point to; I just was in one of those “I don’t wanna” moods. I pushed through, but by Tuesday, I had started the long twisting fall down that rabbit hole. I could muster no enthusiasm, not a whit of creativity for the projects that had brought me joy two days before. Mostly, I watched happy-ending videos of dog rescues on Facebook–and wondered what the hell had happened to me.
I decided to do a little archeological dig. If Sunday was a turning point, what happened on Sunday? Sunday I went to a small birthday dinner for a friend of mine and–oh!
There are five or six of us there, standing at the hostesses station waiting to be seated. I don’t know any of the other women, and my friend is doing the kind of introduction we in the blogging world are used to: name, blog name, and any other identifying or pertinent information. She gets through my name and then she turns to me and says something like, “I never know–are you MidLife Boulevard, or what?”
“MidLifeBloggers,” I say, even as I’m shocked. What the hell, she knows the backstory here. But I smiled and gave my rote response, “We’ve been around for seven years; MidLife Boulevard is the new kid on the block.”
The other women, who are mostly in midlife, nod and then one asks, “What’s going on with that midlife scene anyway? There was some sort of fight? And now there’s a whole Mean Girls thing going on…?”
I’m good at covering up. When you’re as “super sensitive” (my mother’s term) as I have been all my life, you get good at developing a poker face. Stuff doesn’t bother me, naw. I’m just so together it all rolls off my back.You can look at me and tell that. So there was a bit of general explanation and a tad of an abstract conversation about the “Issues in the MidLife Scene”. End of story. Our party was seated. We ate, drank and made merry in honor of our friend’s birthday and that was that.
Except for me, it wasn’t. Except I didn’t know it yet.
The thing about my poker face is that it fools me too. I think that’s part of the purpose, actually. It isn’t only that I don’t want the world to know that I’m hurt or whatever; I don’t want to know it myself. Because then I’d have to feel it. And whoa–bad feelings are something I’ve always tried to avoid.
It took two days and that little archeological dig for me to figure out what sent me down the rabbit hole. When I did, I realized that I had to come clean, to speak my truth and my feelings, to stop pretending that I was above it all.
Six and half years is a long time to run a web site, and the truth is that I was more than ready to shut down MidLifeBloggers. But if l’m totally honest, I must say that I made the final decision in order to remove myself from the scrum that the midlife scene was becoming for me.
A Brief History of Time
For years, MidLifeBloggers was at the forefront of the midlife blogging scene. I started the site in 2008 as a place of community for those who identified as being in midlife (whatever that meant). I ran it as an on-line, edited magazine, since that was my background, and the emphasis was on quality writing of first person blog posts. I wanted to give us a platform to create our own definitions of midlife. I wanted also to maintain for us some place on the stage that was BlogHer, which was increasingly speaking of and to Mommybloggers.
I can’t say I was particularly successful at that. BlogHer had become a moneymaker; to deviate from the focus that created that would have been foolish for those who ran it. But I tried. At the annual conference in 2008, I earned the right to host a Room Of Your Own for midlife bloggers; it was a packed house. At BlogHer’09, I was a speaker, talking about creating MidLifeBloggers as part of a panel who were all blogging about topics “outside the mainstream.” At BlogHer’10, I tried to get BlogHer to allow me to organize one of their Official Parties as a special for the midlife community. There were now enough of us to actually merit a party–which everyone was asking for. I wanted a celebratory shindig, like Sparklecorn; BlogHer would agree only to a room, a kind of quiet room where we could gather and hang out. I gave up.
Meanwhile, there were now a number of other successful sites for midlife bloggers, like Better After 50 and Grown & Flown. The conversation, the very community of midlife bloggers was heating up–and I felt proud and pleased to have gotten it started. When private Facebook groups became a venue for interacting, I was in the conversation. We were hot! This midlife thing was going strong. What else could our cohort conquer?
The Worm Turns
Then Generation Fabulous, which began as a terrific conversation among midlife women started by a friend of mine, became a full-service website which now had aspirations that somehow felt oddly threatening to me. The midlife blogs and sites have always co-existed and supported each other. But there was an intensity about Generation Fabulous’s need to succeed that for the first time had me watching my back.
I was doing that, watching my back and minding my business, when the partnership behind Generation Fabulous imploded. In short order, however, there was a replacement site, MidLife Boulevard. Terrific name, great header art–the split had obviously been a good thing for the two partners remaining.
I was not a member of MidLife Boulevard as I had been of Generation Fabulous, so the only time I heard of them was when one of my midlife friends published something on MidLife Boulevard. I don’t know when I noticed that that seemed to be happening less often. I don’t know when I realized that a lot of the midlife bloggers had disappeared from my feed.
I did notice that the women who I had counted as my friends in the midlife scene were newly absent from the MidLifeBloggers comments. I chalked it up to people being busy, involved in their own lives and blogs, or the topic of my posts not being of interest to them.
Then I wrote some posts that I knew would be of interest. I shared them with the private Facebook groups to which we all belonged. Almost total silence.
All along I had been hearing that the midlife blogging cohort was taking sides in the Generation Fabulous split. At our age? That seemed ridiculous to me, I certainly didn’t want to believe it, and I hoped to maintain a neutral posture. I still find it difficult to believe. 
But in the wake of the loss of my relationships among midlife bloggers, I began to wonder.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got an alert of a Tweet from an old BlogHer friend that mentioned MidLifeBloggers. The tweet was part of a Twitter party sponsored by BlogHer and hashtagged #MidLifebloggers. My Twitter handle is @MidLifeBloggers. I hadn’t heard of the party until the old friend asked where I was. Some of the active participants on that party were the principals from MidLife Boulevard. The question was directed to one of them She did not answer.
Last Sunday night at the dinner party, my face said “Happy happy” but pinballing around in my head was this:
- How the hell could a friend of mine not know the difference between MidLifeBloggers and MidLife Boulevard?
- Isn’t it ironic that it’s exactly one year since we all were celebrating the success of the midlife blogging scene at BlogHer’13. Now most of those women are absent not only from my feed, but from my blog, and from my life. Friendships that I thought were just starting are, basically, dead. Support I offered and thought I could count on is gone.
- Which leads me to wonder–has the fact of MidLife Boulevard led to the erasure of MidLifeBloggers from the midlife scene? And if so, why?
I’ve always denied as a canard the notion that women can’t work together in groups for the benefit of all. Now I’m thinking I may have been naive. Or maybe it’s just some women. Whatever–the thing that tipped me down the rabbit hole was the realization that however and whyever, the issues between Generation Fabulous and MidLife Boulevard had become common knowledge in the blogging community–and perhaps in my life as well.
I was (and am) part of both GF and MLB because I like the women in those groups. I do know of the split, yet it really has nothing to do with me and whether or not I like women or their writing. I say nothing bad about anyone, and hope no-one says anything bad about me. But since I can only control what I say, I focus on that. So I wish peace and resolution to you. I knew nothing of your pioneering role till I read this post, and hope you continue to get recognition.
I’m sorry you feel that Midlife Boulevard has affected your blog. It certainly wasn’t our intention to do so.
As for the Twitter chat, I assume I am the person you are referring to when you say “she did not answer.” I don’t believe it was my place to contact you about a BlogHer sponsored chat. It also didn’t occur to me that the hashtag was your Twitter handle – and I had nothing to do with choosing the hashtag.
I have moved past things that have happened and I do wish everyone else would, also. Partnerships end, life goes on. The midlife blogging community will continue to grow, whether or not you, or I, or anyone else is part of it. That’s a good thing. The most important thing is that we all keep writing. If there’s gossip and chatter about the end of a business, ok. But it really means nothing anymore.
I have to say I admire your loyalty to your friends. That’s a good quality in a person.
Sharon,
I’m glad you are commenting on this post. As I said to you in my response to your private email that preceded this comment, my publishing my feelings was my effort to get everyone to cut the bullshit and admit that there was problem that could be resolved if we talked about it as the grown midlife women that we are.
As for your comment about my loyalty to my friends–I’m assuming that that is an effort on your part to deny the legitimacy of my feelings by positioning them as a function of my friendship with Chloe Jeffreys. My issues with you have nothing to do with Chloe’s issues with you. You earned my enmity and mistrust all by yourself way back in 2012. Since then your attitude and actions have only solidified my view of you as someone who will do whatever she has to to get what she wants. And part of my angst over this whole thing is that I never want to believe that women can behave so much like men. I think we’re better than that.
Clearly you don’t like me. I will not engage with you anymore.
I consider myself to be an amateur blogger who just happens to be middle-aged. I have always appreciated your site as a place where I could read interesting content that wasn’t focused on babies but also wasn’t entirely focused on getting old. How boring is that?! My age is the least interesting thing about me. It is our stories, our insight, our lives that are interesting. You have been very kind to me, allowing me to guest post, and I’ve always felt that Midlife Bloggers was a nurturing place. Please know that I and others who come here for the support and camaraderie really do appreciate the difference you have made in this space. Keep up the good work fighting the good fight.
Thanks, Mo–I love what you said “It is our stories, our insight, our lives that are interesting.” Yes, yes and YES ( shouted for emphasis). I would love to have you continue to share yours on Beyond MidLifeBloggers. Your support is so much appreciated.
As a midlife blogger who has been blogging for six years it is interesting to see the good and the bad as the midlife blogosphere gets bigger. Things will sort themselves out. I’ve always said good content is king and that is what I try to aspire to and what continues to inspire me. You have always been a mentor from afar.
You’re right, Judy…it is the content that matters and I’ll continue with Beyond MidLifeBloggers to keep myself focused on that! I treasure that you think of me as a mentor from afar–or near, if that is needed!
Sigh. Well, yes. It’s a HUGE disappointment to me that women still behave like this. Our generation didn’t play team sports so we just didn’t learn those skills. Even in corp. america, my bkground, there seemed to be only room for one Princess. Sigh. My feeling about the schism with GF and MLB (or the other one that hasn’t been as public) is that it’s none of my damn business. Not a single one of these women has done anything to me (yet) and unlike others, I do not feel the need to take sides. I was aghast at some of the mean girl comments I saw from people who didn’t have a dog in that hunt. What business was it of theirs to decide they knew what had happened? I send blessings for the greater good of all concerned. On the midlife blogging topic overall, there’s only so much time in a day for any of us and too many groups to manage without it sucking up the entire day. I haven’t failed to notice that he women who were at the forefront of Midlife blogging advocacy at my first BlogHer (’11) are now more in the backseat, supplanted by others who were more aggressive about going after their goals, perhaps. I’m sorry about that because those women really were the pioneering advocates, like you. Some of these groups are link drops and trades–traffic comes from people whose blogs the member visits as well. I’ve come to meet some fabulous women from this you-scratch-my-back-I-scratch-yours. The midlife thing is no different from any organization, really, for good or bad. I am sorry that this has impacted you as it has, you are certainly one of the women in this world I admire. Blessings to you, Jane. Be who you are because there is a plan for the greater good –when things are this painful it just means that you may not be able to see all the good it will make possible. You will. I really believe it. xoxo
Egad, Jane. I’ve been off the grid for so long, I had no idea any of this was going on. I just assumed you were still leading the midlife vanguard. So sorry. I still really value your unique voice.
Thanks, lady. You really should get the credit for starting this whole thing!
Wow, had not realized that there was such dissension among women bloggers. I’ve been blogging for six years now over at Ann Tracy’s Waiting for the Muse and although I’m also a mid-life woman (over 60 now), I’ve never been part of the BlogHer community. As a former journalist I’ve been focused on reporting about my life as a traveler, writer (blogs and plays), theatre person, photographer and visual-video artist, I was covertly hoping to be an example to other women my age about all the options there are out there no matter what your age. Sorry you got hurt Jane, but take the high road m’dear. Looks like you’ve still got bloggers who are proud to be associated with MidLife Blogging!
The idea of being a female blogger and NOT being part of the BlogHer community creates a cognitive dissonance for me. THAT, I think, is a large part of my problem. I feel like bursting out in that song from South Pacific about washing that man right outa my hair!
I found your post very interesting. I have been blogging for about seven months now and although that makes me a “baby” in the blogging world in real time I’m a little beyond midlife (65) and I’ve “been around the block” several times..
Writing is a lot of work but I love it, and I have been thrilled to see my following grow. I began by writing about fashion, which I enjoy, but it started to feel “shallow” to me and my blog morphed into things I feel more passionate about… history, life stories, literature.
I had a steady group of followers coming from a specific source connected to MidLife Blvd. I was so pleased to be given a “little push” Then, suddenly, it dried up. Not a word, not a visit. I wondered if I had said something to offend someone. I just don’t get it. Women do themselves such a disservice when they become competitive. Seeing life, not as a ladder, but as an elevator, relieves one of the false notion of self importance.
I have asked myself many times why I blog. The only answer that seems to ring true is that I like having a voice. Let the chips fall where they may, I will continue and i will be genuine.
Although your style is very different from mine, I do enjoy your very candid take on life. I’m sorry for your experience and I hope you keep going. I wish you the very best!
As soon as I finish this comment, I’m going to try and find your blog, Annie. You say our styles are very different, but I think our motivations are very much the same. I’m sorry to hear about your experience with MidLife Blvd, but I’m glad you found MidLifeBloggers.
What is the url for your blog, Annie? you’ve commented here anonymously and I can’t find a link.
chapter-two.net and I usually go by Suzanne This whole thing made me a little gun shy so I commented annon. sorry!
Big sigh, Jane. I’m sorry you are feeling this way and hope you pull out of the rabbit hole soon.
You know I’ve been a fan of MidLifeBloggers.com since I started blogging almost 6 years ago and have always enjoyed the high quality of writing you present. I’ve also participated in the writing seminars you generously offer and benefitted greatly from them.
That said, I’ve had a tough year and not been blogging nearly much as I have in the past so I’ve never heard of Midlife Blvd or the issues with Gen Fab. Although it’s not the kind of “mean girl” chatter I usually listen to, all I can say is that there’s plenty of room in the blogging community for multiple voices in our niche!
Pretending/positioning a player in our community as suddenly gone or no longer “loud enough” to be valid is not a solid business plan IMO. That kind of stuff eventually catches up with people… and brings readers back to a steady, reliable and well written brand… like yours.
I hope you hang in there and keep blogging, Jane. And I hope blogging gets fun again. This high school crap is for the birds.
Joanna, you have always been a fan and a voice I could count on. I have no intention of giving up blogging. My goal now is to start enjoying it again. I think I had to get all this “stuff” on the table, a sort of purge, in order to focus on the fun.
Wow. Blogging is supposed to be fun. This doesn’t sound fun to me. Sorry you’re experiencing all of this, Jane.
Hmmmm, blogging is supposed to be fun? Oh yeah, that is why we got started, isn’t it. Once the possibility of fame and fortune entered the equation–i.e., once the midlife niche was established–blogging about it got quite serious.