Here’s another excerpt from Laura G’s powerful relating of her experience with spousal abuse:
By Laura G, of Rebellious Thoughts of a Woman
Four years ago, on a Sunday morning, I was attending a conference for part-time religious school teachers that was aimed at sharing innovative ways to excite and educate our students. Before things got started, I headed off to the bathroom. I was not in a particularly receptive mood; my husband had managed to get out an insult that morning before I left the house. As usual, I can’t remember the epithet used, but it probably focused around my uselessness, stupidity, laziness, or unattractiveness. The exact phrase doesn’t really matter, all that matters is that he got his lob out, and I bowed my head in quiet shame, trying not to egg him on, but nonetheless allowing the mistreatment by what I now perceive of as my mishandling of the situation—by staying in it.
I looked up from the tiled floor where I was following the lines of cracked tiles to find a poster on the back of the stall door. I started to cry as I read the poster, barely containing deep sobs. I sat there facing the mirror-image of what had become my life—on the back of a bathroom door.
The starkness of the words “Domestic Abuse Is Emotional Abuse” seemed to instantly turn the “you’ve ruined my life” comments that my ex-husband would occasionally pelt at me into a useful phrase, one that I could use to turn the blame back at him, and not keep focusing on me, and my inadequacies. Abuse: it was validating to have a definition from outside that so succinctly summed up the atmosphere in which I had been living. It seemed so obvious, but I had never used that word before; weren’t victims of abuse beaten, weren’t they supposed to leave, weren’t they in trailers, weren’t they and their spouses uneducated? I know those stereotypes have been repeatedly disproved, but that is still what springs to mind when I hear the word abuse. Strong, intelligent women like I thought I was were not supposed to be victims of abuse—we were supposed to help other women. I boycotted and signed petitions opposing oppression around the world, but here I was, a victim of abuse, and I didn’t even know it. I was oppressed and it hadn’t even occurred to me. How could that be?
Confusion reigned in that stall, as I continued to sit there, staring at the poster, wondering about myself, my life, my husband, and my daughters.
How had my life come to be summed up in such a bitter phrase? The sobs did not, could not, stop. Women came in and out of the bathroom. But I sat there, stifling my cries; part of me wanted to be found—wanted someone to knock on the stall door and ask in soothing words if I was alright. I felt as alone there as I was, as devastated as I was. Giving something a name is good; it provides a concise way to think about it while also taking the blinders off, which hurts far more than having them on.
A few days later, I am standing in the kitchen, taking a break from doing the dishes, when my husband walks in. He stands just a few feet away from me and starts to talk. I do not agree with something that he wanted me to do, and told him so. His reaction was to look right at my stomach (which is present, but not so present as to require a complete break from ice cream), and to say contemptuously, “Whoa, you’re fat.”
What to say? What to do? I stood there dumbfounded. Reeling from the comment, reeling from the nasty tone, reeling from the savagery of the remark. Reeling from the continuance of the abuse. I am this man’s wife; he is not supposed to talk to me like that, I am not supposed to be treated like that. And yet, the vignette continues; we are still standing there, and he seems ready to make more pronouncements.
I turn back to doing the dishes, turning on the faucet, drowning out his talk with the rush of water. He stands there a while longer, showing who’s still standing. But at that moment he is a bully exposed, dressed in nothing but his bravado. A man empty of all value and valor, a man who props himself up by knocking down others. Perhaps I needed to stop seeing the insults as something against me and as showing his flawed character instead, and only then would I recognize that he had been bullying—no, abusing me. Did he realize that to be victorious in these battles would mean that he would eventually lose my love? That I would eventually stop thinking about how to look better in his eyes, and that I would turn away instead. This, it seems to me, is where the separation began; when I stopped internalizing his comments, but reflected them back onto him. This is when I started standing up to the abuse, when I started to gain the strength to oppose oppression—on the home front.
I too have been in the kit,& here comes the fat womanizing, dictator[just a few of his talents!] why ain”t this&that done? been a yr,look at this crap.[his piles are more organized,has more time than me]but mine embarrass him,i embarrass him,thats why i”m home alone all the time& hes out havin fun! chaseing tail. his favorite is your ugly! i”m thinkin me? have you really looked in the mirror at all-you ugly f—.! all these yrs iv”e had my head in the sand,& very busy w/wk,that i never saw the whole man i always knew he was a lier,thief,con-artist[never thought he”d con me] never in my wildest dreams did i think he was an narcissistic,self-absorbed,selfish,unfaithfull,evil,non-human,that was going to abuse me along w/his slut&boy slut. i did not want the last yrs of my life to be the unhappiest.here i have a young punk[9-1/2 yrs diff in age,i”m in my 60″s] like rodney i get NO_RESPECT! iv”e told him he is a bully.i also tune him out[especially 2:00-4:00 am-neighbors] when he sees im not going to play he goes away,otherwise i give it right bk.a cheap shot is not to be wasted!! its so much clearer now on who&what he is&i can”t stand him,i”m just glad i didn”t give in to be his puppet on a string. soon i”ll be able to get the hell out of here[like he wants,so he can move in his sluts]& to think how devastated i was a yr-ago when he dumped me,turned my world to crap,now its pay-back time!! Annie
I could not put this more eloquently, clearly and as intelligent as you. My life paralelled with yours – the insults, sarcasm, name calling etc, all serve to belittle, undrmine and control. Ending with an unwillingness to tolerate more. Freedom and happiness is waking up without my tormentor. Life is for living and I am living it to the full without him, happier than 25 yrs of marriage.
The hardest thing is realizing that what is happening is abuse. You get to a point where you consider yourself worthless and believe his lies.
Hi,
I have a question. I was in a financially and verbally abusive marriage but lost all love for him quickly and left him when my son was a year old. 2 years later, I met a charming man with all of the characteristics I ever wanted. Only, he ended up being extremely emotionally abusive. He was highly critical of me- always in a joking way and even in front of others. My cooking was terrible, my parenting skills, clothing, the way I held up a conversation with him..everything. I would try so hard to please him to make him happy with me again. When he was happy with me, he was amazing..I felt amazing. When he was critical, it was usually followed by a 24 hour or so period of ignoring me. Sometimes the ignoring came first. Anyway, I finally looked reality in the eyes to see what was going on when I noticed how he was with my son. That made me strong. I started doing my own thing, going out with friends again, keeping busy at work, expressing myself when I was feeling bad with what he said. I thought that would pull him closer and change this negative behavior. Instead, he left me. Out of the blue. In the hallway of a hotel in front of my child. He was supposed to help me out of town work an event that I was hired to handle. I was stranded. He took the credit card he let me use away knowing I needed it for the hotel. He mumbled something that he can’t be with someone who has no clue what is going on around them then proceeded to yell at my child to get in the room so we could talk. I told him never to yell at my child and slammed the door in his face. That was the end. He sent me a text and email to tell all my friends and family that I broke up with him because he couldn’t commit. That is not what happened. I know my son and I are better off in the long run however I hate that I can’t stop thinking about him and still miss him. Any advice for moving on when the toxic man left you?
@Karen,
The man you’re describing is a classic abuser–the textbook illustration, actually. The situation you were in was Stage One of a relationship that ends up with physical abuse or worse. I have two suggestions for you: One, thank yourself and your instinct for self-preservation that you slammed the door in his face. That took extreme courage! Two, find yourself a counselor who will lead you on an exploration of the ways in which your needs were met by the abuser.
my boyfriend of 6 years has began not to touch me,be angry all the time not to talk to me.The small thing make a big quarell.He has problem using his money,he works god,earn good money but pay a big del og yhat to ex wife.He means he want to give her.He does not want to pay money for food and home we have together,he means i have two children and because his children are not living at home,he will not share things with me.He comes home,eat food i make but will not give money,mean i use much money on food.Sometimes he buy food but the cheapest one he can find and then just bread or something fat that my chilren does not like.
He want me to sell apartment i bought before,which i have rent.He says he do not know why i have to have other apartment,but it is all i have put away all these years.
He sit and see TV whole night,with very loud music,each time i say something he say,you and your children have whole the house i have no place then he has got whole sittingroom.Each friday he has to go out and make drunk,because he mean he need to come to reset point,then whole saturday and sunday he is not excisting with us,he is tired.
Gud i have to take it in other way…
Here’s a link for a site that can help you: http://violenceunsilenced.com/
Good luck.
Very interesting read, I think their would be a lot of mixed opinions on this. Love the theme that you are using, what is it?
reckon all these men and some women have the same pattern of abuse which goes back to their own insecurities from their childhood. unfortunatly we accept this and we all have breaking points some take longer than others with the suffering and i do believe that when the time is right most have the courage to leave evenutually or sadly the ones who cant find the courage to leave just end up losing feelings inwardly so sad.
i am glad that this type of abuse is now bieng brought more out in the open woman and also men who are abused mentally and physically can share thier experiences and relate to what they put up with and recognise they are not alone. For me i put them into 2 different categories there are the physical and verbal abusers who hurt to the core and then there are the verbal and physical abusers who are evil with thier words and attempt or succeed to break your spirit and unfortunatly that latter has happened to some.
to end this comment one saying which i hope brings a smile or laugh to those who read this is when someone tells u that you are stupid,useless,have an ugly body, they dont need you for money,sex, or business,and there are plenty of girls out thier who are nicer looking and better figure that you have . Then my answer to that one was why do u stay with me when i have all these defects.
thats not love and never could be.
it takes courage to leave this situation and strength masters fear.
Sally, all I can say is the deepest sorry and send out a healing thoughts. I am so sorry that your love has been so debased and disgraced. All the best as you free yourself from this abyss.
What he will not tell you… When you meet me – you are really meeting my representative! My friend, “Mr. Nice Guy” – The everything you ever wanted, a romantic, a guy who listen to your every word, kind, sensitive, loving, friendly, happy guy. I shower you with attention & gifts, gifts for your children too. You will feel sorry for me, how my ex-wives treated me, both who just left me without explanation – just pack up while I was gone and left. I will make them pay. I believe I was the best thing they ever had; they are nothing without me, losers! Soon you will be too! Because I am such a con artist, give me time and I will call you some names, just testing the waters, I want to see which ones really offend you, so I can throw those at you to really hurt you. I will tell you I am sorry, I can cry on demand if needed. I will start with maybe a push, then a slap, my pushing will turn into shoves – I may be able to shove you across a room, a couch, you may fall on the floor – if you do, I get to kick you about your body, call you some really degrading names, I will pull your hair while you are down – I get to drag you across the room by your hair and punch you in the face. I will spit in your face, then laugh at you cry. If I keep it up long enough you will eventually try and fight back – oh boy that’s when it gets real good and exciting for me – I get to really blame you for the blood all over the floor and that bald spot on your head, and don’t forget the bruises. I will threaten you, with being homeless or I will bury you somewhere – where nobody will ever find you or in the backyard – pee on your grave. It will get to a point when I won’t really pick a fight, I will just get up and head butt you – wow!! watch you fall, if your children try to help you I will with pleasure punch them too, it doesn’t matter girl or boy, I like them both, really I do – you know really like them wink, wink, I like them when they are little too, I get to really manipulate them – sneaking in their room when you are not around and having my way, then scaring them that they will die if they tell you and you will die too. I am really a nice guy though, as long as and you submit to me, rub my feet, my neck, and have sex with me or else – I get to punch you in the back, don’t disrespect me, I get really angry and I demand respect from you and your children. I will make you live in hell and when you get tired like they did and leave – I will change the locks, throw all your belongings out in trash bags, I will close any bank accounts we have together, I will say you stole money, I will shut off your cell phone, I will take you off any policies, and ruin your credit. I will keep any thing I think is valuable and throw the rest out. I will tell everyone that you are crazy and how hurt I am that you left. You will be out on the streets and if you were stupid enough to believe that I would take care of you if you quit your job and help me with my endeavors, – you will be broke too, no home, no clothes, no money, nothing. Oh and bonus, my parents and siblings are such wonderful people too. They have representatives that you meet; eventually you will see them for who they are too. We all hate each other. We scream and fight. My sister especially hates me because I made her do things in the bathroom when she was little, my dad tried to beat me up for that – but I learned from the best, he loves porn and is good at really grossing women out. He was a great role model. My mom well she tries, but she has many Reps to keep up with, her some of her friends feel sorry for her Rep the “poor me, my son’s wife left him” she has the other special friends that side with the Rep “we better get that ex-wife before she gets us”. She gets confused on which Rep to use… But the Rep “he does no wrong” is my favorite. She takes up for me no matter what! She will lie if she has too. Whatever I need she gets! If she breaks out that Rep “Mom” I will call her many horrible names, I will scream at her. She can’t leave me, she is too proper to let the public see the ugly family, don’t trip on the rugs in her house – underneath the entire ugly family secret hide. Remember this – I will tell you later what a bitch she is – and that I am smarter than all my family. I will tell you that they are an embarrassment to me when I am pretending to be another one of my Reps “Dr. Project” the CEO , forProject, around a different class – the class of people that I think I deserve to be in but because of them and my ex-wives I can’t buy my way into. I will tell you that I make lots of money but because of my ex’s I have to pay a lot of bills. But the truth is I really do not know how to manage money – I buy what I want when I want and no woman will tell me to save! I have other people paying my bills so I can blame them if something is late. My credit sucks but it’s not my fault – I had to file bankruptcy twice – because of my ex. She kept taking me back to court – but I really live beyond my means. Come on give me a try – I will love the challenge of taking down a woman who thinks she is confident and strong willed. I pretend to love that but it really excites me to break you down.
Down with men who think they can demean, denigrate and deny “fleshy, intelligent, greying, creative, and very strong” women!
My “transition man” called me “Perfect.” Ah, the joy of a compliment, especially when it makes me start to realize that maybe he’s right. Love the lust! Life begins when we recognize the beauty in ourselves and don’t have anyone around us putting us down.
How about 28 years??? And a 7 year marriage before that one and a bad dad as an infant and toddler??
It was the charming bully of a dad who laid down an unconscious template to connect with meanness. After about 5 years of EMDR, Reichi, essential oils and other non-traditional therapies, I was able to get the pre-verbal memories up into conscousness. Whew that was really hard. Now, I am still healing, but last summer, had a very limited and safe interaction with a lovely man who enjoyed me. ENJOYED me–as I am: nearly 64, a little fleshy, intelligent, greying, creative and very strong. That was such a new experience. Never never in my life. and now have something to measure against and aim for.
Oh, BTW, the kicker for me was–You got old, fat and ugly. Other women would crawl up the front walk on their bellies for me. I’m a catch. What’s wrong with you??
I took a mental step back and thought–YOU.
Now I am in my juicy green goddess years, about which I have written at http://www.vaboomer.com.
Being ENJOYED was such a sex turn-on!From being sex dead for so many years and just a little response to me with enjoyment fired up the old lust furnace in a totally new way. I love this new template.
This is so cool, I feel like we’re talking to each other in the same room. I believe, to the bottom of my heart, that what makes a good man HAPPIEST is when WE – his woman – are HAPPY. And so, we have to focus on what makes US happy INSTEAD of what makes HIM happy. It’s not about “putting ourselves first” in a “choice” sort of sense, in differnet situations – but about being so in touch with ourselves, so in touch with our feelings and devoted to our general well-being, that we can TELL when something FEELS bad, and instead of sweeping it under the rug – the way you and I learned to do in our relationships – we learn to bring it to the surface and honor it. In the words we speak to men, in the way we treat ourselves, in the way we allow ourselves to be spoken to and treated.
My life’s work is all about exactly HOW to do this – strong on the inside, soft on the outside, and all from feeling our feelings and loving ourselves. (Here’s my blog and site – http://blog.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com – and I’ll go visit yours.)
There is absolutely no blame here, only awareness, and for me, anyway, learning something new every day. Look forward to more of this…Rori
I don’t know about the whole who’s at the center of things discussion. Maybe my marriage was based on the illusion that when you love, and when you marry, and when you create a family together, that unit–that couple defined by its love and commitment to each other–would unify the needs and happiness of the two so that there wouldn’t be a push and pull of private desires. Maybe one of my problems was that I thought we were to become united in what we wanted and not pushing our private agendas or desires. You know, a team as opposed to two individuals.
Fairy tales, they do end, and not always with fairy tale endings.
For me, what we remember about our lives is not always what we FELT all our lives, and what went underground in our minds and bodies is most often still inaccessible and knowable – except through what we DO in our lives now. That’s where we get the clues. A woman with inherent self-esteem would simply never take bad treatment from anyone – it wouldn’t happen. I never had that inside me naturally – I had to learn – and I was “smart” and loved and respected by my father, too.
For a woman, being “respected” and “smart” is great out in the world, but in a romantic relationship, it’s the antithesis of what creates a good energy “meld.” – A man faced with a “smart” woman who’s being “smart” in the relationship can often feel competitive (we can seem very “controlling” to HIM), and his controlling instincts and anger may get the better of him. As time goes by, whatever he was experiencing in your relationship intensified, and brought out his ability to be “toxic” without his guilt or conscience stopping him.
I created a whole program around this (including a quiz), called “Toxic Men” – and yes, I do believe we are attracted to and attract Toxic Men and Toxic Relationships because in some way we’re used to emotional punishment and believe the worst about ourselves. It seems true. Just simply pining for a man, or wanting a man who does not want you or care for you as much as you do him (which is so utterly epidemic), and believing that a good man is hard to find, is what my hundreds of letters from women ask about.
I think your bravery in waking up and getting yourself out of that situation is nothing short of HEROIC. It’s like an epic battle between different voices in your head, different beliefs you held about yourself and the world – and YOU WON! I’d like to reference you and this article from my blog, because I think what you’ve done for yourself is HUGELY helpful to us all. Thanks again, Rori
Rory,
You can both reference this article, as well as the first one that appeared here (that was linked on ivillage) as well as my blog, http://www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com.
It seems that one of the problems, as you alluded to, is that there is (or was, please let this be a part of history) an inherent imbalance in relationships between men and women. At least in my generation, it was still our job to make the man happy. But what happens when making him happy contorts your own heart?
Another point, and this is something that I recently wrote about: the draw in our society for strong men. Movies certainly build up the strong silent, latently violent, type as the heartthrob. Why can’t we have movies focusing on the goodness of a man and not his strike-out on his own ways? There are so many layers here, that placing it on a woman and her level of self-esteem seems to be placing too much blame on her.
For me, what we remember about our lives is not always what we FELT all our lives, and what went underground in our minds and bodies is most often still inaccessible and knowable – except through what we DO in our lives now. That’s where we get the clues. A woman with inherent self-esteem would simply never take bad treatment from anyone – it wouldn’t happen. I never had that inside me naturally – I had to learn – and I was “smart” and loved and respected by my father, too.
For a woman, being “respected” and “smart” is great out in the world, but in a romantic relationship, it’s the antithesis of what creates a good energy “meld.” – A man faced with a “smart” woman who’s being “smart” in the relationship can often feel competitive (we can seem very “controlling” to HIM), and his controlling instincts and anger may get the better of him. As time goes by, whatever he was experiencing in your relationship intensified, and brought out his ability to be “toxic” without his guilt or conscience stopping him.
I created a whole program around this (including a quiz), called Toxic Men – I talk a lot about the whole issue on the sales page (don’t want to be sending you to a sales page, but you can get to it from my catalog page http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/catalog). Would love to know what you think.
And yes, I do believe we are attracted to and attract Toxic Men and Toxic Relationships because in some way we’re used to emotional punishment and believe the worst about ourselves. It seems true. Just simply pining for a man, or wanting a man who does not want you or care for you as much as you do him (which is so utterly epidemic), and believing that a good man is hard to find, is what my hundreds of letters from women ask about.
I think your bravery in waking up and getting yourself out of that situation is nothing short of HEROIC. It’s like an epic battle between different voices in your head, different beliefs you held about yourself and the world – and YOU WON! I’d like to reference you and this article from my blog, because I think what you’ve done for yourself is HUGELY helpful to us all. Thanks again, Rori
I remember when a man (I was with him for many years) would put me down verbally in a smart, funny way. Because it was “humor” I wasn’t supposed to take anything he said as actually “mean.” When I opened my eyes, finally, I found my self-esteem somewhere below floor level, and it took me years to get it back to “normal” and then to the great place it is now – to realize that I’d somehow “hired” this man to hit me over the head, because, even though I was always beating my own self up – he could do it harder and more cleverly.
So many of my clients and readers think being put down by a man is “normal.” We think, instinctively – especially if we were raised that way – that we are being told the truth. Thanks for this post, I look forward to more, Rori
Interesting idea, the “hired man.” Would this mean that we are purposely drawn to these men who turn out to be toxic? I don’t know. For the first few years I felt that I was being respected by him, that he thought highly of my abilities and my unique qualities. Maybe he set out to change me, you know, I was a challenge, but when I was unable to conform to what he wanted, then the war of his words started.
My father never once put me down; at home I was always perceived as being the “smart one” next to my brother. I just happened to start something new here, that, unfortunately, my daughters have been exposed to.
It’s been many many years, but I too have been in the clutches of someone who put me down to shore himself up. It took a while for me to realize that it was his own insecurity talking.
Thank you for sharing your story so honestly.
Insecurity talking: I understand that that is at the core of these men’s antagonism, but I have found that hard to fathom, afterall I had been attracted to him in part because of his strength and confidence. Perhaps the root was his need to control everything around him, to arrange everything so that he could always be in charge (and not question his own abilities), and as I gained confidence in myself, he needed to bring me down so that he would not need to relinquish any of his control. No, he was not into power-sharing or joint anything, it was all him all the time, a little kingdom. Maybe men take the concept that their home is their castle far too literally.
Your post brought back my memories of a past life when I too was married to someone who used words to demean, intimidate and hurt me. For the longest time, I never thought of his treatment of me as abuse. Even when he stopped speaking to me for a week at a time for something I said that he didn’t like, I thought it must be me. And then, like you, one day I realized that his words were vicious and intentional emotional abuse. I was shocked that as a reasonably intelligent woman, I was in the middle of this toxic relationship. That day I said “enough”.
That strength you talk about–well I remember how it started to grow in me too. It took a while longer to get strong enough to leave — but I did.
I’m so sorry that you, too, had to live through this. There are no “you are stronger because of it” phrases in my toolbox, only thankfully you realized that this is not how life is supposed to be, that I will not live to have someone tear me down. That is the strength of self-confidence, which eventually becomes a shield.
And a foundation.
A foundation that you created by packing down that earth so hard that cracks are sealed up before they can be seen or felt.
I too lived for 10 years before I recognized the abuse. Then I stayed for 10 more for the children. I finally realized I was setting a very bad example for my girls. I sought help but managed to marry again 3 years later to an even more abusive man. It took a long time for me to get better and I still have to be very careful or I can easily slip back into the old role and patterns.
Lyn, (deep sigh), thank you for commenting; I hope that you have found peace in your life now. Those of us who really internalize that need to help others perhaps end up with the most hurt. We stay in for the kids, we stay in because we don’t even see what is being done to us, but at least we wake up at some point and realize that the world needs to revolve around us (to some degree).
Lyn, (deep sigh). Thank you for commenting; I hope that you have found peace in your life.
Those of us who internalize the need to help others end up the most hurt; we stay in for the kids, we stay in because we don’t even realize that someone could be hurting us so much, but at least at some point we wake up and decide that the world must revolve around us and we need to determine how people see us and not for them to decide for us.