by Cecilia of Sass Town

It came to me as I was folding a load of laundry last night. In particular my husband’s XL undershirts and his undies that are about two sizes too big for his shrinking waistline and pancake butt. Unfortunately the pancake butt and chicken legs run on his side of the family. The strange thing is that these “men’s furnishings” are brand new, not some old issue he is reluctant to throw away. Despite having lost a good amount of weight during the last year, he still insists he needs this outlandish sizing.

Just last month I had to nearly beat him into submission to get him to purchase a pair of dark wash jeans one size down from what he was wearing before. It took all the salesperson and I had to convince him that wearing clothes that actually FIT would not only improve his appearance, but others would notice he was trimming down. (He had been wondering why no one was commenting on his weight loss.) He fought the good fight insisting that “I don’t like things tight on my waist,” and “I spend so much time in an airline seat, I hate feeling constricted by my clothes.” I won on the new jeans size, but he bought the new underwear when he was shopping on his own.

Did I mention that I am married to one of the rare men that actually like to shop and he has expensive taste?  Not only that, he loves to buy me stuff for no special reason at all. Maybe it’s because I’ve bore him 6 children and have raised them while he has taken his workaholic self all over the country on an almost weekly basis for the last 20 plus years. He praises me, tells me he loves me, how beautiful I am, and how much he loves my body. My “middle aged, has given birth 6 times, has gained and lost nearly 300 pounds” body.

The question I have is, what exactly am I supposed to do with these fancy items that resemble a piece of dental floss covered with lace? Then there are the bras that were designed to dress up firm young bosoms that don’t need to be hauled into the high station they once occupied on their own strength. Also, need I bring up those blasted stretch marks?

I ask you, will these delicate panties and bras really be the key to BRINGING SEXY BACK? You know, “I‘m bringing sexy back, those other boys don’t know how to act. I think it’s special whats behind your back, so turn around and I’ll pick up the slack….Get your sexy on.” So I confess to an inexplicable fascination for Justin Timberlake and his fine duet partner Timberland. I can’t help it. I like what I like no matter how shamefully unsophisticated my taste in music tends to be.

I hate to admit when he comes home with a Victoria Secret bag, it feels a little like when the cat brings you home a “present” of a dead baby bunny or mouse and lays it on the doorstep. Bottom line is these things only look good on the V.S. models. And don’t waste your breath telling me about Heidi Klum, she’s a beautiful freak of nature. I could launch into a plausible semi-feminist defense as to why women should be able to feel sexy without looking like a hooker, but I don’t want to. I just want to figure out how to show my husband the “appreciation” he deserves, while I resist the constant urge to pull the lacy floss out of my crack. I mean, honestly, I don’t believe my friends who have told me with straight faces that they like wearing thong panties.

So for now my action plan is to try not and wear out the road between my house and the mall returning his purchases. Being the ever practical puss that I am, I’ll return the expensive indulgences and swing by Target or TJ Maxx on the way home to find a cheaper version of the same thing to stick in the Victoria’s Secret bag. That way I can try revealing these items on my body at strategically opportune times. The bonus is the cash I save could probably pay for a weekend vacation away… and that actually could be the key to bringing sexy back.