MidLife Therapy: A Shrink In A Book
by Suzanne of TwentyFour At Heart
I’m still hanging out while I wait for my sex toy gift basket to arrive. I suppose you’ll want to hear about it when it arrives? What happens if I can’t figure out what something is used for, will you explain it to me? I’ve talked a lot about male/female relationships and sex on my blog. Maybe it’s because I’m now in my forties twenty four, but it seems like just about everyone I know is dealing with stuff lately. I have a wide age-range of friends, but regardless of age it seems they all are delving into issues lately.
The term “midlife crisis” seems to come up on a weekly basis with friends from the ages of 35-65. I’ll be honest, it’s freaking me out a little bit. I’ve had two close friends tell me they’re getting divorced in the last week. Lately, life is just getting a little weird. For awhile I contributed my own sense of insanity confusion to my car accident. I’ve always been a strong, independent woman. I was the one who got everything done for everybody else, always. In one car-shattering instant I lost my independence, my sense of self, and (not trying to be too dramatic) my very sense of who I am.
Fortunately, every day that goes by I feel a little bit better not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I’m getting my life back together day by day, and although it will never be the same life, I’m trying to make it a good life. I’ve noticed, however, that as I rebuild my life, the lives of many friends seem to be falling apart.
I have a friend whose husband has become impotent. They haven’t had sex in over a year. I might re-gift a toy from my sex toy gift basket to her. I have another friend going through menopause and her husband has discovered Viagra. Viagra meets menopause equals a lot of problems.
Two of my friends have announced divorces in the last week alone: one because the wife “needs to find herself” (she’s in her mid-thirties) and the second because she walked in on her husband having an affair. Divorced friends tell me they’ve “given up” on the idea of ever getting married again, but miss “companionship.” I’ve seen my “empty nester” friends delve into a flurry of activities. Yoga, tennis, volunteer work, far-reaching searches for spirituality, and other assorted activities. I’ve seen some become “hover” parents as they attempt to stay intimately involved in their children’s lives rather than cut the apron strings when the kids move out to begin their own lives. Sometimes I wonder, what exactly, is going on with everyone?
The other day one of my friends said it would be so nice if she could have a shrink just move in to her guest room and only come out when needed.
“I don’t need therapy,” she said. ”I just need occasional advice.”
I stopped in my tracks. And then I laughed.
A few months ago I was asked by a publisher to review a book titled Occasional Therapy For Your Midlife Years by Dr. Ellyn Gamberg. I had decided to pass on the offer. I thought the book was very worthwhile, but I wasn’t sure it would be an appropriate book to blog about. My friend’s comment changed my mind. If you’re 35-65, this book is a good investment. Not every issue in the book will pertain to every person. However, I honestly think every person will find at least one or two things they can relate to, and sometimes it can just make you feel better to know other people are also dealing with similar problems.
Dr. Gamberg touches on the following:
- Maintaining your youth (ooh baby – that’s me!)
- The empty nest (that isn’t me yet, but sigh – I’ll cry when it is.)
- Becoming an in-law or grandparent (I’ll kill my teens if this happens anytime soon. I might even put condoms in their stockings this Christmas!)
- Caring for an aging parent (My heart goes out to those of you dealing with this.)
- Declining marital satisfaction (Sex toys, anyone?!)
- Finding a new meaning and purpose in your life (This is me! What do I do now with my life? I’ve only got one working arm.)
Dr. Gamberg says people ending long-term marriages after the age of fifty are one of the fastest growing demographics for divorce? I’m in my forties, is that what I have to look forward to? I think it just goes to show this mid-life crisis stuff needs to be taken very seriously.
Personally, I’m starting to feel like an entire body lift is maybe not such a bad idea. (That would be the maintaining youth category!) I’m also trying to sort out what I want to be when I grow up. (Finding a meaning and purpose in my life.) And you?
All Top Stories 
I’ll admit to the ants-in-the-pants syndrome and it definitely has caused me some missteps along the way. Just when I think I’m old enough to know better….
My mid-life crisis was getting married and having a child! I’m kind of backwards sometimes! But I can always use intermittent therapy:)
Yes, I’ve come to the conclusion that midlife crises happen because you’ve come far enough to see the cumulative effects of all those little decisions you’ve made that seemed PERfectly reasonable at the time, but have somehow brought you someplace completely WRONG! Not at all where you expected to be. And by then of course, you’re far enough along that you also realize you don’t have lots of time to fix it.
The good news is at least we have added a good 10 maybe 15 years extra to do something about it since most of us are healthier and living longer. So, I choose (maybe delusionally) to think I can still do some of that stuff, I just can’t waste time. Of course, that comes with its own built in pressures…when did this push to ‘be all we can be’ become an expectation that puts all this pressure on us anyway?
I sometimes think ignorance is bliss is really the way to go….
Twenty Four At Heart reply on November 21st, 2008 2:58 pm:
Changing course midstream … possible, but not always so easy. And yes, it does seem like there’s societal pressure to be all things to everyone – and perfectly at that. Again, I think my accident put some of this in perspective for me. Maybe a few positives actually did come out of such a negative incident in my life. It’s terrible to think it takes a tragedy to bring perspective … but I do tend to be more low-key about my expectations now. More grateful for the smallest of things….
Well, I have decided to reterm midlife crisis to crisis at midlife, which I think is more reflective of what happens. At around 40-ish I got a master’s degree, got a job in a different field, got divorced and changed countries. But with all of that movement, I still find that I have ants in my pants–I want to do things, but now, finally I am concerned about retirement. That, for me, is having the biggest impact on my thoughts and plans. Up until now I still thought I had time to do what I want, travel the world, but no, now I worry about what will be in 20 years. Who knows who I will be then, and thinking about it makes me even more stressed. I feel that this realization has cut all connection to youthful fantasies and has ground me into a horrible crisis, a crisis of this being it. And this is not the midlife I expected for myself. Tough realization.
Twenty Four At Heart reply on November 21st, 2008 2:53 pm:
I do the same thing on some days. At other times I think, “Life is short, I could die tomorrow,” and I want to live just for that day. Having been in a severe car accident 2- 1/2 years ago, I know how life can change dramatically in just an instant. Now I try to plan for the future but I am much more conscience about living in each day also. Sometimes it’s hard to find that balance.
I’m right there with you on the “what do I want to be when I grow up” dilemma. I’m hoping to have it figured out any day now, maybe even before I turn 45…
Twenty Four At Heart reply on November 21st, 2008 2:50 pm:
I think my problem is that I’m interested in too many things. It’s so hard to narrow down my choices. I think, perhaps, growing up is over-rated!