Dear Family
by Liz of Inventing Myself
It was wonderful to see so many of you at Christmas time; I’m so glad we were able to be together. This was the first time I had seen many of you since announcing my decision to adopt a child, and there were a couple of conversations that took place while we were all together that made me realize there may be some misunderstandings about what adoption is all about. So, I put together a list of tips and guidelines to help you understand adoption in general and my own adoption process in particular. Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.
1. I am not adopting because it’s trendy. Did you decide to get pregnant and give birth to your children because it was trendy? No? Then maybe you can understand that level of trendiness, or lack thereof, was not part of the equation when I was deciding to adopt. I want to be a parent, and this is the way that is open and available to me at this time in my life. Let’s agree that I won’t accuse you of trying to imitate your favorite pregnant celebrity and you won’t accuse me of wanting to adopt because I’m following in the footsteps of Madonna or Angelina Jolie or anyone else. Okay?
2. On a related note, I’m not interested in your opinions of Angelina Jolie. I don’t really care what you think you know to be true by virtue of the fact that you saw it on the cover of People magazine while waiting to pay for your groceries. It’s nobody’s business how Ms. Jolie decides to build her family, whether through adoption or any other way. And because I discovered after choosing my adoption agency that Ms. Jolie actually went through the same agency for at least one of her adoptions, and because I chose that particular agency in part because of its strong reputation for being ethical, I can tell you with some level of confidence that her adoptions were above board. So please keep your opinions to yourself unless you’ve got something other than rumors and gossip to go on.
3. I’m not saving or rescuing a child. This is a hard one, and one of the most common misunderstandings I’ve run across so far. First of all, I’m adopting because I want to be a parent (see #1), not because I want to do a good deed. And I know it may look like any child I adopt will be gaining a life full of many more opportunities than would be available in his or her first country, but my child will also be losing many things in the adoption process. My child will lose his or her country, language, religion, culture, history, extended family, food, customs, and the sense of belonging that comes from living in a place where everyone looks like you. From our Western perspective it may seem like what is gained vastly outweighs what will be lost, but there are many adult adoptees who say they’re not so sure. And none of us can really understand what it will be like for my child to be a minority in this country, and the only person of color in our family – which is why I hope you will understand when I start thinking about adopting another child, from Ethiopia if possible, in a few years.
4. It’s too late to recommend a country. I know you are trying to be helpful, but I did a lot of research and a lot of thinking before finally choosing Ethiopia. It’s the country that is right for me to adopt from for many, many reasons. I have more than likely already considered whatever country you are recommending, and decided for one reason or another that it will not work for me to adopt from that country. And frankly, with all the paperwork I did in order to adopt from Ethiopia, even if the country you are suggesting is somehow “better,” it’s just too late to change my mind now!
I look forward to seeing you all again in the near future, and hope that the above information is helpful to you when trying to figure out what to say to me while I’m waiting for my child to come home.
Love,
Liz
Image from: www.repmanblog.com/…/2008/03/18/letter.jpg
I was adopted when my parents were 35 and 36, which was “older” in the late 1940s than it is today. In fact, parents that old were hardly trendy. It was quite unusual.
My parents were wonderful and I would not have traded them for the world. I feel I landed where I was supposed to, even if they were different from me in many essential ways. I have had many of the psychological issues of adopted adults, and when I found my birth family in my late 30s, both my birth mom and I got some incredbile opportunities for healing. It was her dream come true to reconnect with me, and overall, our time together (15 years before she passed) and the blend of my adoptive and birth families couldn’t have gone better.
I always felt that my “older” parents were more stable and experienced. They raised my brother early in their marriage. They weren’t rookies on life or parenting. While it’s tempting to wonder if mid-life parenting is a good idea, I think that’s as individual as the people who do it. My husband and I married at 50. We felt it was too late for us, but had we gotten together 10 years earlier,in a heartbeat. Adoption is a thoughtful, committed process. It’s insensitive to assume that adopting parents haven’t weighed all the joys, issues, and responsibilities, especially on the brink of the wisdom years.
Wilma – you’re right, most people are well-intentioned and would probably appreciate some guidance on what to say and what not to say.
Wouldn’t it be lovely if it became custom to write these letters for every event in our life and that they would be well received by the people for whom they were meant.
So often we have no idea what is going on and in our ignorance or failure to find out we blurb hurtful nonsense.
A letter like this can do a lot of good.
Michelle – nice to “see” you here! Thanks for the positive words.
Allison – I have moments when I question whether I should really be doing this a single woman, but what I always come back to is that I’m pretty sure I would have more regrets later about not doing it than about going for it. There are probably ways you can incorporate it into your life without actually adopting – being a foster parent, being a Big Sister, other volunteer work with children, hosting international students – I’m sure you’ll figure something out that works for you!
Liz,
I really admire you for pushing ahead with this and you bring to my attention many good points it’s good to remember. At 51, I don’t have kids (for many and complex reasons) but it’s something I have some regrets over. I find myself at this point in my life wondering how to incorporate that desire to parent you mention in my life…
Best of luck to you as you work your way through the process. Hope you’ll keep us posted on your new adventures in parenthood!
Allison
Rhea – good point, my family doesn’t have a lot of previous experience with adoption except for one of my cousins who was adopted domestically over thirty years ago.
I know sooooo many people who have adopted at age 40+ that it’s not even an issue. Many of my friends have Chinese girls, but others have adopted in the U.S. and other countries.
Liz, I’m cheer leading for you on this one. I’m thrilled for anyone at any age when they figure out a dream and an action plan. I’m also hopeful for the child you bring into your life. You have a lot to give. Good luck and keep me posted.
Laura – and on top of that, my family mostly has no filters at all with each other! Which sometimes is good, I can rely on them to tell me the truth about things when “friends” might say what they think I want to hear, but sometimes is definitely annoying!
There seem to be some topics that people don’t find the filter for their thoughts, adoption, obviously is one. For goodness sakes, if people pretend that they’re happy, why can’t they at least figure out how to pretend to be happy for someone else. All the best to you.
Yeah, it threw me off at first and I wasn’t prepared to respond diplomatically in the moment, which is why I wrote the letter. Only a few of them actually saw it on my blog, but it helped for me to get it off my chest.
Thanks!
Oh dear… I can only imagine the comments and comparisons made to various celebrities. Good luck with your adoption!