Your VaJayJay Says: Happy Valentine’s Day


Funeral For a Vagina: An Open Plea to Oprah and Dr. Oz

by Fran of Merlot Mom

“My vagina is dying,” my friend told me on the phone yesterday.
“Come on!” I replied as I put down my tea and instantly started doing kegels.
“No, really.   My vagina is literally wasting away. My doctor says I have vaginal atrophy.”
“No, shit!”  I said as I pictured gravity having it’s way with my friend’s once taut pelvic muscles.  “What’s it from?”
“No estrogen.  Fucking menopause…sucks.”

My friend is a few years older than me and close to (if not already at) the dreaded “M”.  Which is actually just the closing ceremony for the preceding and interminable PM.  All the mood swings, hot flashes, painful sex, weight gain, and other fun hormonal fluctuations that lead up to actual menopause are the real work of perimenopause, it’s evil younger sister.  Otherwise known as the P.M. of your life.  Otherwise known as Pretty (freakin’) Miserable.

“You have an angry vagina, the doctor told me,” my friend continued.  “My fucking vagina is red and swollen, shedding away, and withering on the vine.  My vagina’s angry? I’m the one who’s fucking angry!”

Of course, I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation long after we hung up.  I’m in my mid-late ’40s and have had some signs of “PM,” so naturally I couldn’t help but think “there but for the grace of a few years go I.”  I googled vaginal atrophy and did some armchair research.  Here is the Mayo Clinic’s definition:

Vaginal atrophy (atrophic vaginitis) is a thinning and inflammation of the vaginal walls due to a decline in estrogen. Vaginal atrophy occurs most often after menopause, but it can also develop during breast-feeding or at any other time your body’s estrogen production declines.

Symptoms include dryness, burning, painful intercourse, incontinence and a host of other “shoot me now” ailments.  The silver lining on this dark and itchy cloud is that the discomfort is treated quickly and simply with creams or medication.  The discomfort.  Not the fact that your genitalia is dying.

My morbid curiosity got the best of me and I linked to other related sites (thanks Google);  sites about pelvic organ prolapse, vaginal rejuvenation, and other side-slapping, life-affirming topics.  

Nothing makes you feel your mortality like a decomposing vajayjay.

The research states that many women suffer from this ailment in silence, out of ignorance or embarrassment.  It made me wonder, where’s Oprah?  Shouldn’t she be out there warning us about this?  Obviously her producer’s let this one slip through the lady business cracks.

I mean, who is going to support us in our post baby factory years if not the big “O”?

And for that matter, where’s Dr. Oz?  I feel betrayed.  Abandoned.  Is this just another brick in the wall of the male conspiracy to keep women down?  I don’t see mens’ penises shriveling up.   Ohhhh noooooo.  And, please, at the first signs that their machinery was aging, the pharmaceutical companies (run by men) and male medical researchers were up and adam developing Viagra, Levitra, and whatever else to keep those joy sticks pumping.  But women?  Nobody’s rushing out to help us with our plunging pelvises and volatile vj’s.  Instead, we’re told that the way to prevent having to dead-head our lady gardens is to have more sex.  Lots and lots of sex.  Ugh.  Sound suspicious?

So where does this leave us?  I’ll tell you where…with husbands running off to find young, blushing pink, smiling privates, while we stand alone at the funerals for ours.

So, Oprah and Oz, you’ve got the world talking about evolution’s reason for pubic hair, the size and color of our poop, and most recently (thank you) hormone therapy.  Here is my suggestion for your next topic:


The world is ready.  We have you and Eve Ensler to thank for that.

We women want our vaginas back.  NOW.

Thank you.

*photo courtesy of google images

  • Ritz

    This is hilarious!
    Then again… When I was in nursing school I saw an old woman with vaginal prolapse. Not pretty and it scared the hell out of me.
    The medical community and the drug companies are mostly run by men, till that changes the little blue pill will be hailed as we walk around like we just got off the horse.

    Hopefully your letter to the almighty O gets answered.

  • merlotmom

    You guys crack me up. Thanks. I guess I hit a nerve…or a g-spot…or a nerve.

  • byjane

    elaine h: just say no, dollink….

  • Elaine H

    Harmony–I’m soooo with you! And speaking of Viagra….would someone just hide those freakin’ little blue pills!! Geeze, it’s bad enough we can’t even have sex without being in pain for a week afterwards, but now our guys want to do it all night long—and can???? I’ll never forget the utter delirium of one past/one present boyfriend when they showed off the magic bullet. “Look what I’ve got honey!” Really, I wanted to tell them to go rent a video and enjoy themselves….at least I would have been able to walk the next day.

  • Lilly

    Oh this didnt make me laugh, it just made me cry. Its true about old age not beng for sissies!

  • Harmony

    Isn’t it interesting that men created Viagra so they could have sex for eternity with younger woman. Because if you think about it, why didn’t those same men create something for woman so they would still want those “older” men.

  • merlotmom

    You are absolutely right. I hope the women doctors/medical researchers out there pick up on what an opportunity this is. Also, “sex not important in your ’50’s”??? This is just another yet unexplored phase in the women’s rights movement. Someone, sometime, will come up with something. Who? When? I do not know. I think the best currently available answer might lie in bio-identicals, but I am NOT a doctor. Seriously, I sent this to Oprah, hoping she would pay attention.

    Haven’t heard anything.

    Good luck (to all of us).

  • Allison

    This post IS humorous, but it’s a subject that’s serious in my book. Can I just rant a little here??

    I just read something the other day, by a MALE gynecologist no surprise, who just said outside of giving up sex there isn’t much to say. Thanks for nothing. Even my female nurse practitioner who specializes in women’s issues, said that sex wasn’t that important in your 50s anyway. Well, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. The deal is she said, we used to die before we ever had to face this issue. OK, lotta comfort there.

    I’ve done a lot of reading about this because one side aspect of this is the tendency to infections which makes a sex life a bit dodgy. It has to do with Ph/estrogen/acidity levels etc. We have put men on the moon for heaven’s sake, it seems like there would be a way to address this issue. I get the feeling it doesn’t get someone’s full attention because it isn’t regarded as that important. The mostly guys no doubt who develop drugs etc seem a lot more concerned about getting it up than they are making sure their partner is in good shape to be on the receiving end.

    If you believe in follow the money (where there’s money to made, there’s a will), there is a huge economic opportunity here people!

    Sign me up for….well for whatever!

    OK, I feel (marginally) better now.

  • merlotmom

    thank you. we must laugh mustn’t we.

  • Darryle

    I can’t quite hi t thhe keys bbcause im laugh ing sssoooooo hard ovr t his.. and might we t my pants now tthat u mentioned it. I can’t say more because it says here to keep it clean.

  • starrlife

    Oh my God- I am laughing so hard and that is very dangerous for us already in the big M! It is so TRUE! Why doesn’t anyone tell us about the “golden”years? The libido issues etc. And those creams- who wants to walk around with a slimy you know what just so your va-jay-jay can stay halfway alive! Somebody has to do something- vote me in to this topic!

Previous post:

Next post: