Why I Stay Home
I have another one of those social thingies to go to tonight. I was all hot-to-trot when I first heard about it, drinks at an Irish pub downtown, 6-8pm. I planned the ‘when shall I wash my hair, do my nails’ around it–all the girly stuff that makes going out an anticipatory blowout. But now that the ‘witching hour is drawing nigh, I’m all–eh, meh, and bleh.
Because I would analyze the worm out of the wormwood, and because I really do see this as Getting In The Way of My Life, I’m ready to do some hard thinking-through. See if any of this sounds familiar to you–and if so, are there any ways I can outwit myself?
- Going out means getting dressed.
- Getting dressed means selecting from my wardrobe.
- Selecting from my wardrobe means confronting that fact that nothing fits–and if it does, it looks like shit.
which means….
- Confronting the ways in which my body has changed, much to my horror and dismay
which means….
- Confronting that I’m older, aging, past the halfway mark, over the hill, out of the running–
oooops. Out of the running: that resonates. Clangs, in fact, and starts me thinking about what it was that I used to like about going out:
- Picking a terrific outfit that would be the perfect costume (yes, as in theatre) for who I was going to be that night.
- Loving the look in the mirror. Not as in some narcissistic venture but as in, “Damn I look good!”
- Making my entrance, playing my character, seeing what kind of applause I would score.
- And maybe, if I was interested, scoring.
That’s pretty much gone for me now. I’m just not really interested, and I don’t have the goods to venture on the stage as a leading lady any more. So what I’m left with when I go out is–what? And is this a good or a bad thing?
All Top Stories 
I so relate to everything everyone has said…I have to drag myself out just to go see a movie by myself. I just moved to LA and the effort to make friends is just not there anymore…I see myself turning into a real hermit and quite honestly it’s frightening. I do think it has a lot to do with hormones…before menopause I was always very sexual and I really think when you lose that sexual energy it affects every part of your life…it’s like the life force is just not there anymore. Sometimes I do wonder about the reasons for living a long life…I just don’t get it. I’m divorced, no kids, no family here…so it’s just different for me. I really don’t like living like this but I just don’t have the energy or motivation to change it (and I’m taking a ton of anti-depressants…so that’s not the answer!).
JustAnnT: Sounds to me like you’re doing exactly what you need to to recharge. I, on the other hand, have almost no people contact when I’m working.
I too have been struggling with hermitism. I work very hard all week with lots of people contact. In the evenings and on weekends, sometimes I don’t leave my house. I go for hours without speaking because there is no one to speak to
Trying to decide if I am depressed, bored, lonely, or just doing what I should be doing: recharging and getting ready to do it all again.
It’s not an age thing, it’s that damn depression thing again!
Hahahaha, I hear ya. Let’s plan something, you know, lunch perhaps. We can get all excited and then think of an excuse the day before, a back-out plan. I’ll probably get a sore throat or something….
On a more serious note, sometimes I force myself to go, thinking if I just get out there, I’ll have a good time. Sometimes yes, sometimes no that doesn’t work. Last year before I moved to Kansas, I even went the whole 9 yards (hair, makeup, outfit), got to the club where I was meeting a GF and thought, I DO NOT want to be here, and went back home!!!! That’s pretty bad, huh? All made up and I still ended up in my jammies…
You are probably right, all the base reasons for this kind of behaviour spell something I am sure. I am just not sure what.
Wow, and I thought I was alone in feeling this way, and honestly thought I needed psychoanalyzed. I mean, what was wrong with me? I used to LOVE going out, for all the reasons you outlined. Being a wallflower all through school, and then receiving notice and applause when I dressed to go out with my GFs was, well, beyond gratifying to say the least. It was heady stuff for a girl who had never been noticed before.
Now, remarried and recently moved away from Ohio, my home grounds, I find that even when I return home, it’s an effort to get dressed up — the whole 9 yards, the makeup, the hair, and then yes, when it comes to the clothes, blech. I got down to a size 2 (again!) in 2006, but when my father had a massive stroke and passed away in Oct 06, guess what. Yep, now I’m at least 20 lbs overweight, if not more. I plead ignorance. And living here in rural-land probably aggravates my issue. I mean, get real, why would I put on any makeup any day at all??!
I’ve been pep talking myself the last few weeks — start working out again, you’ll feel so much better about yourself — but I just can’t seem to press the magic button, and get going.
I don’t even feel a burning need to be social, and when I do go somewhere with friends, 2-3 hours is longer than I want to be there. When I leave, the thought of getting home and getting into my jammies thrills me more than going out did!
Thanks for your post. Not sure how I will rectify my situation, but at least I don’t feel so alone with these thoughts any longer!!!
byjane reply on April 6th, 2009 2:17 pm:
Oz Girl,
Is your rural land anywhere near my rural land? We could meet in the middle and form a support group of two. I’d be real excited about doing it, but then on the day, not so much. Sometimes I force myself to go; sometimes I don’t. I really think this is a huge issue, not nearly so uncomplicated as it can read, with tentacles into all sorts of places in my life. I am determined to follow them, even if it’s just to understand and name them. Because, really, I’m getting in my own way here.
Hi Jane: Right on! It feels like an effort to me too. I’m good for 2 hours from time to time, out or having people in, although I prefer the latter (not for dinner though, just tea, who wants to cook?).
Brizendine, who wrote “the Female Brain”, says that the hormones that give us a kick out of sociallizing decrease a lot in menopasal women – so we don’t get the charge out of seeing friends that we did. Sometimes we don’t even care all that much about seeing close friends.
I definitely agree with what Verite says about trusting or accepting our need to not be social – maybe we thik there’s something wrong with us if we don’t do it??? I know a part of me thinks that way; another part doesn’t give a hoot!
Ellen Besso
http://www.ellenbesso.com/midlifemaze
Verite Parlant: Here’s what I hear from both of us (and from another friend that I’ve discussed this with): we’re not trusting/accepting our need not to be social at this point. Why isn’t your/my disinterest legitimate? Why is your/my self-awareness selfish? Why is spending time with oneself the equivalent of being a hermit? I dunno, my friend, but methinks I hear Virginia Woolf whispering in our ears about this!
I think you and I may have a similar issue, Jane. Mine’s partly related to body change issues, I know. But something else is going on and has been for a while because I’ve actually been gungho at first to go on a date with a man who’s already seen me in person so I don’t need to be concerned about “impressing” him,, and yet, I’ve gotten busy with some intellectual pursuit and forgotten that I had a date. Later the call comes from the guy, “Where are you?” or worse, “I’m ten minutes away.”
So, something else is driving my disinterest. I think it’s a need to pursue my own interests and not cater to someone else’s, something I neglected while I was married. I’ve become more selfish. Is that a bad thing?
The forgotten date thing hasn’t happened in nearly two years though because since I moved back to NOLA, between caring for my mom and helping my dad since her death, adjusting to life changes, etc., I haven’t made any attempt to meet anyone or date.
But knowing that becoming a hermit is not a good thing for me, I have forced myself to get dressed and go, but not enough. I don’t want look up one day and find out I’ve gained 20 more pounds and none of my friends and family invite anywhere ever because they think I won’t go anyway, which is why I’ve made a pact with my cousins who’s 6 years older than I, to plan for next Mardi Gras season, go to the balls, more parades etc.
I’m gungho now, but let’s see how I feel next January.
Last Friday night I went out to dinner with a friend. After dinner she suggested that we go out to a lounge nearby. I was game. Only to discover an hour later that it was some kind of hip-hop wannabes open mic for DJs night. I get it that I’m not young. I get it that I was not wearing heels or anything tight. But seriously, I am alive.
I definitely get the staying in. But it’s not just that nothing looks good or that I don’t look good, it’s that I expect to be bored. I mean shmoozing is just not something that I do well, so why invite myself to feel like a wallflower for two hours?
byjane reply on March 14th, 2009 2:44 pm:
Laura,
I am good at schmoozing, but people have to be good at schmoozing back. Maybe that’s the problem: I’m not meeting good schmoozers!