Why I Stay Home

Last Friday night I went out to dinner with a friend. After dinner she suggested that we go out to a lounge nearby. I was game. Only to discover an hour later that it was some kind of hip-hop wannabes open mic for DJs night. I get it that I’m not young. I get it that I was not wearing heels or anything tight. But seriously, I am alive.

I definitely get the staying in. But it’s not just that nothing looks good or that I don’t look good, it’s that I expect to be bored. I mean shmoozing is just not something that I do well, so why invite myself to feel like a wallflower for two hours?

Laura,
I am good at schmoozing, but people have to be good at schmoozing back. Maybe that’s the problem: I’m not meeting good schmoozers!

I think you and I may have a similar issue, Jane. Mine’s partly related to body change issues, I know. But something else is going on and has been for a while because I’ve actually been gungho at first to go on a date with a man who’s already seen me in person so I don’t need to be concerned about “impressing” him,, and yet, I’ve gotten busy with some intellectual pursuit and forgotten that I had a date. Later the call comes from the guy, “Where are you?” or worse, “I’m ten minutes away.”

So, something else is driving my disinterest. I think it’s a need to pursue my own interests and not cater to someone else’s, something I neglected while I was married. I’ve become more selfish. Is that a bad thing?

The forgotten date thing hasn’t happened in nearly two years though because since I moved back to NOLA, between caring for my mom and helping my dad since her death, adjusting to life changes, etc., I haven’t made any attempt to meet anyone or date.

But knowing that becoming a hermit is not a good thing for me, I have forced myself to get dressed and go, but not enough. I don’t want look up one day and find out I’ve gained 20 more pounds and none of my friends and family invite anywhere ever because they think I won’t go anyway, which is why I’ve made a pact with my cousins who’s 6 years older than I, to plan for next Mardi Gras season, go to the balls, more parades etc.

I’m gungho now, but let’s see how I feel next January.

Verite Parlant: Here’s what I hear from both of us (and from another friend that I’ve discussed this with): we’re not trusting/accepting our need not to be social at this point. Why isn’t your/my disinterest legitimate? Why is your/my self-awareness selfish? Why is spending time with oneself the equivalent of being a hermit? I dunno, my friend, but methinks I hear Virginia Woolf whispering in our ears about this!

Hi Jane: Right on! It feels like an effort to me too. I’m good for 2 hours from time to time, out or having people in, although I prefer the latter (not for dinner though, just tea, who wants to cook?).

Brizendine, who wrote “the Female Brain”, says that the hormones that give us a kick out of sociallizing decrease a lot in menopasal women – so we don’t get the charge out of seeing friends that we did. Sometimes we don’t even care all that much about seeing close friends.

I definitely agree with what Verite says about trusting or accepting our need to not be social – maybe we thik there’s something wrong with us if we don’t do it??? I know a part of me thinks that way; another part doesn’t give a hoot!

Ellen Besso
http://www.ellenbesso.com/midlifemaze

Wow, and I thought I was alone in feeling this way, and honestly thought I needed psychoanalyzed. I mean, what was wrong with me? I used to LOVE going out, for all the reasons you outlined. Being a wallflower all through school, and then receiving notice and applause when I dressed to go out with my GFs was, well, beyond gratifying to say the least. It was heady stuff for a girl who had never been noticed before.

Now, remarried and recently moved away from Ohio, my home grounds, I find that even when I return home, it’s an effort to get dressed up — the whole 9 yards, the makeup, the hair, and then yes, when it comes to the clothes, blech. I got down to a size 2 (again!) in 2006, but when my father had a massive stroke and passed away in Oct 06, guess what. Yep, now I’m at least 20 lbs overweight, if not more. I plead ignorance. And living here in rural-land probably aggravates my issue. I mean, get real, why would I put on any makeup any day at all??!

I’ve been pep talking myself the last few weeks — start working out again, you’ll feel so much better about yourself — but I just can’t seem to press the magic button, and get going.

I don’t even feel a burning need to be social, and when I do go somewhere with friends, 2-3 hours is longer than I want to be there. When I leave, the thought of getting home and getting into my jammies thrills me more than going out did!

Thanks for your post. Not sure how I will rectify my situation, but at least I don’t feel so alone with these thoughts any longer!!!

Oz Girl,
Is your rural land anywhere near my rural land? We could meet in the middle and form a support group of two. I’d be real excited about doing it, but then on the day, not so much. Sometimes I force myself to go; sometimes I don’t. I really think this is a huge issue, not nearly so uncomplicated as it can read, with tentacles into all sorts of places in my life. I am determined to follow them, even if it’s just to understand and name them. Because, really, I’m getting in my own way here.

Hahahaha, I hear ya. Let’s plan something, you know, lunch perhaps. We can get all excited and then think of an excuse the day before, a back-out plan. I’ll probably get a sore throat or something….

On a more serious note, sometimes I force myself to go, thinking if I just get out there, I’ll have a good time. Sometimes yes, sometimes no that doesn’t work. Last year before I moved to Kansas, I even went the whole 9 yards (hair, makeup, outfit), got to the club where I was meeting a GF and thought, I DO NOT want to be here, and went back home!!!! That’s pretty bad, huh? All made up and I still ended up in my jammies…

You are probably right, all the base reasons for this kind of behaviour spell something I am sure. I am just not sure what.

It’s not an age thing, it’s that damn depression thing again!

I too have been struggling with hermitism. I work very hard all week with lots of people contact. In the evenings and on weekends, sometimes I don’t leave my house. I go for hours without speaking because there is no one to speak to

Trying to decide if I am depressed, bored, lonely, or just doing what I should be doing: recharging and getting ready to do it all again.

JustAnnT: Sounds to me like you’re doing exactly what you need to to recharge. I, on the other hand, have almost no people contact when I’m working.

I so relate to everything everyone has said…I have to drag myself out just to go see a movie by myself. I just moved to LA and the effort to make friends is just not there anymore…I see myself turning into a real hermit and quite honestly it’s frightening. I do think it has a lot to do with hormones…before menopause I was always very sexual and I really think when you lose that sexual energy it affects every part of your life…it’s like the life force is just not there anymore. Sometimes I do wonder about the reasons for living a long life…I just don’t get it. I’m divorced, no kids, no family here…so it’s just different for me. I really don’t like living like this but I just don’t have the energy or motivation to change it (and I’m taking a ton of anti-depressants…so that’s not the answer!).