In Sickness and In Health

This entry is part 13 of 20 in the series Aneurysm

Aneurysm

I’m missing writing on ByJane. I’m missing doodling with keyboard and I’m missing venting and I’m missing sharing my every this, that or the other. MidLifeBloggers seems too–I dunno–grownup to just mess about on. Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I feel too grownup to mess about in public. Whatever. Stuff is going on in my life and ByJane is where I’ve always put my stuff. Will I post it on MidLifeBloggers as well? I dunno.

Today D comes back to my house for a while. Take note of the pronoun, people, because it is My house. It may be the address listed on his license, but he doesn’t live here anymore. He hasn’t for over a year now. But in that year, something interesting has happened. The family I worked so hard for–my two step-sons, my daughters-in-law, my granddaughter–that family has coalesced and solidified and…any other words you could think of for “becoming tight.” It happened willnilly of D; it began, in fact, without him. But now he’s in there too and we’re all, all of us, happy to see each other and be together as a family.

And happy to count on each other, as one does with family. Therein lies the why of D coming back to my house for a while. A couple of weeks ago, he got the dreaded news, the one that begins with C and ends with surgery. I’m not even counting chemo and radiation in there because we’re hoping it ends with surgery. D lives alone, over an hour away from all of us. He’ll need to be taken care of, at the very least. At the most, which is the way I do things, he needs a loving friend to go through this with him. He did it for me when I had the cerebral aneurysm. Now I’ll do it for him.

I’m shy about telling people this because it’s hard to explain in this world of I hate you and never darken my door again marital splits. But the fact is that I can’t not do it. I guess I really did take those vows seriously: in sickness and in health….

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Tagged as: blogging, cancer, divorce, family, illness, marriage

  • http://www.sasstown.com the Mayor

    You are demonstrating a lot of grace in this situation. I’m sure the experience will have it’s challenges but what a great example of kindness for your whole clan.

  • http://www.thefiftyfactor.com Joanna Jenkins

    I don’t know your “back story” but in the five months or so that I’ve been reading MidlifeBloggers and your posts, I’m not the least bit surprised you are the primary caregiver, in your house, to someone from your “past”. It is very clear that you have a good, caring heart and a solid head on your shoulders.

    My heart goes out to you BOTH during this difficult time. Sending prayers and good thought your way. xo

  • http://www.duchessomnium.com Duchess

    Jane, I think I understand this completely. Your ambivalence about sharing what’s private. Your feeling about being a family, even when many things have unravelled.

    I used to say that I would forgive my ex husband for our marriage but not for our divorce, and we stayed bitter for a long time. But everyone is better if it is not that way. We have four children and thirty years of history.

    A couple of months ago I spent my birthday morning with my ex husband organising an ambulance to take him to the hospital. I knew he had a sore hip and I said when I dropped our daughter off (she was spending the night with me) I’d give him a lift in to work. When he didn’t appear I went inside, shouted up the stairs, and heard a call of, “I can’t get out of bed.”

    I am always impressed at the way you manage that difficult line between too much reserve and too much information. Let us know whatever seems right for to you to tell. I hope the best for D. I am glad he trusts you to be the loving friend he needs.

    In your house. (That’s important too.)

  • http://oz-girl.blogspot.com Oz Girl

    My 2nd husband and I parted on friendly terms. In fact, his current wife and I are friends and I’m invited to their kids’ birthday parties (well, when I still lived in Ohio I was). They lived about 1 mile away from me and I could still call my ex- to help with something around the house if I really needed it.

    I think it’s a shame that when most people part, they hate each other as much as they do.

  • http://midlifebloggers.com byjane

    Pseudo: Thank you…

    Elaine H: There never was any real bitterness between us. We ended with more of a whimper than a bang.

    Julie: …and you all are the reason I do it. Family is family, and that’s what we are.

  • Julie

    The pillar that holds the men together (your matronly) role, and the love we have for you became more apparent in the decline of the marriage. Irony. We have accepted abnormality to allow for a more complete unit that includes you. I expect D will seriously reevaluate his choices and make new and unexpected ones in the coming days. As you said, we have moved on without him in some ways, however, he increasingly refers to “we” as inclusive. Previously you were forced to be reactive at what was thrown at you, and now you are in a proactive role that has far more influence on all of us….

  • http://bloominginmidlife.blogspot.com Elaine H

    Jane–I think you’re simply doing what caring people who’ve been in a relationship do. My parents, who separated about five years ago with a great deal of bitterness, ended up coming together after my father had to have heart valve replacement surgery and suddenly was feeling very vulnerable and alone. My mother went to the hospital everyday, looked in on him when he was sent back home, and still visits to check in on him. They will never move back in together, but my mother has proved that the past, though hurtful, is the past and that today, there’s someone lonely and afraid who needs to lean on her in a way he never did when they were together. I think she considers it a blessing and we’ve all come to see my father as more human. Sometimes such things as a health crisis open us up to reserves of love we didn’t know we had. I hope you both gain from this experience rather than become simply the caretaker who didn’t ask for the job. Yes, you should blog! It will give you an outlet. Plus, we’ve all been through similar experiences….it’s surprising how what we believe to be our own tiny world of anguish is always familiar to someone else.

  • http://phhhst.blogspot.com Pseudo

    You’re a good person.

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