by Laura of Delicacies

Online dating is not for the faint of heart. Believe me, I’ve been there.

Bud asked if I liked spanking. Mike’s first email was an erotic story. The artist guy took me out to brunch then turned out to be penniless. Dan couldn’t tolerate artificial smells and instructed me to rewash my hands the first time I visited his house. Dan number 2 took me to the movie Team America on our first date- it’s a satirical movie featuring cartoon marionettes. Dr. Joe asked me for a writing sample and wanted to (temporarily) exchange watches to get a better sense of my energy.

And the list goes on and on. How many dates? How many men have I emailed or winked at? I wish I had kept track, or do I ? I got turned down by more men than I care to admit. Reasons? Too educated, salary higher than his, no photo on initial profile, refusal to have sex on second date without HIV test, too liberal, straight-forward, too ‘full-figured’.

Too full-figured! That one pissed me off. I understood why he said it the minute I saw him: he was short and thin and small-statured. I knew it would be problematic, but still–.   On the dating scale of dreamy to wacko, he fell in the good range. Robert, in his early 50’s, was educated, reasonably attractive, and sophisticated. All good qualities in my book. He had just returned to the US after several years in one of the former Soviet republics, working for the state department. He talked about the women he’d met and dated–Russians, thin and young. “They didn’t have much body fat,” he actually said on our first date.  After date two, he emailed to state the obvious. There was no chemistry. He wrote, “I’ll just be blunt about it as I don’t know how else to say it.  I find you too full-figured for my taste.”

Did I already mention how irritated I was by that statement? I don’t look like Jane Russell. I’m a little overweight but I’m not a DD cup or a big girl by any means. I thought of all kinds of retorts, “I understand. Someone of your small statue would naturally prefer a petite woman.” Or “Yeah I get it, little men like you don’t hold much appeal for me .” But I didn’t go there. I responded like the well-bred southern woman I am, and said I understood. What else was there to say? Just chalk it up to another lovely dating experience and laugh about paying for the opportunity to be insulted!

Months later we ran into each other at the gym. I had begun to go regularly after that incident. I nodded at him and he walked over. I asked how the dating was going and he shared a recent incident. He had taken a woman to an expensive restaurant and right before dessert arrived her phone rang. She said it was her son and she needed to step outside to take the call. She did, and never came back! It was at that point, as I was trying to hold back a grin, where he confessed that our two dates had been his best experiences so far.

That guy was just a bump in the road. I went on to experience many more fascinating encounters after him. What I finally learned after much trial and error–and therapy–was to be totally honest about myself and what I was seeking in a mate. My profile gave an honest picture of who I was and what I was looking for. But my choices were flawed because I was so eager to find a guy that I ignored common sense when making those connections. It’s like the free samples in a candy shop; I wanted to taste them all.  More than once I found myself drawn to some hunk of a guy who was ultraconservative, had 15 cats and was looking for a 5’3”, 20 year old Asian woman to bear his children.

If you’re contemplating online dating, I’d offer one major piece of advice: take it slow. Impulsiveness has no place in this venue; a leisurely getting to know each other period would have save me from several of the situations I found myself in. Several emails over a period of a week or so, then maybe an initial phone chat.  You’d be amazed at how much you learn by listening to a man’s voice. If that goes well, then you can talk about a location for the first meeting. My preference is a coffee date, during the day. The daylight provides a greater sense of safety and meeting over coffee is usually shorter. If things aren’t going well you can always concoct an upcoming appointment. Or throw caution to the wind and suggest meandering across the street to the bar if things are going well.