This is the third in a monthly series of posts on MidLifeBloggers focusing on Sexuality and Relationships. The author of the series is Walker Thornton, who writes under the pen name “Laura.” Her blog, Delicacies, focuses on her experiences as she makes her way through midlife.

55, Sexy and Alive

by Laura of Delicacies

I live alone, so walking around naked is allowed. So is playing loud music, whether it’s the Brandenburg Concerto, or the latest Taj Mahal CD. Living alone means I can have wild sex at one in the afternoon if so desired and make all the noise I want.

But. I have two adult sons and they are absolutely appalled at the thought of their mother having sex. Of course I have sex, and of course they know that. Or do they? I suspect, like many “children”,  they think of their mother as way, way past her sexual prime. Really, who makes love at the age of 55…or 65?

I’ve been in a new relationship now for almost a year. We spend most of our nights together at his house, but there is the occasional overnight at my house. However, if one of my adult children is home visiting that typically means a chaste night: my bed squeaks. When I just roll over, the bed makes noise. Since the guest bedroom is under mine and I can hear my son cough down there, he must be able to hear my squeaking bed. While I’m comfortable with  my sexuality, I’m not so comfortable with the idea of my sons listening in on my lovemaking.

It took a while for me to get to any level of comfort.  The last years of my marriage were sexless; we slept in separate rooms. By the end, I felt like a dried-up version of a woman, overweight and frumpy. My best friends, Ben and Jerry, and I spent a lot of time in front of the TV.   In the six years since my divorce, I have transformed myself from mother and wife to a single, sexual independent woman. It was slow but steady progress, and while I knew my sons were uncomfortable with the change, I also knew they wished me well in my new life.  Part of that new life is about me embracing my sexuality. I’m making up for lost time and learning not to be shy about it.  Not that I’m not walking around in low-cut tops and tight leather pants or having sex on the living room floor. It’s a tasteful awakening–most of the time.

I want my sons to understand that sex is as vital for me at 55 as it is for them in their late 20’s. It bothers me that the common assumption (and my sons’ feelings as well) about sex in mid-life and beyond is that our lovemaking is somehow not as beautiful and sensuous as it is for younger adults. How do I convey to my children the value of sexuality throughout the life cycle? Admittedly I think about it but I haven’t tried to frame the conversation in a way that would serve me or them. Instead I throw out little hints and they put their hands over their ears.

I see that I’m going about it the wrong way. What needs to happen is for me to talk less and show more. Let them see me showing affection to the man I’m seeing–the handholding, brief caresses, hugs, and cuddling on the sofa that are the things we do when we’re alone, but not so much so when the kids are visiting.  I realize that the expression of my sexuality involves more than just the normal everyday gestures of intimacy, but those very basic connections are important, not just for me but for my family as well.

We talk about modeling behavior for children and teens, but the assumption is that young adults no longer need such teaching. I believe they do. To have healthy relationships with the loved ones in their lives, young adults need to see normal sexual behavior, at all stages of life. If I don’t provide a glimpse into my life, I’m missing an opportunity to share my new-found understanding of relationships and intimacy.

I love the person I am now, post-divorce–and so do my children. It would be a disservice to all of us for me to downplay a vital part of what makes me who I am.

Photo credit:  tiago ribeiro www.flickr.com/photos/fixe/3455848229