Bury Me With My Sex Toys, Please

By Walker Thornton of A Woman’s Page

I’m thinking about writing a letter to my best friend, to be opened upon my death. I’d beg her to rush over to my house and find my growing stash of erotica and sex toys so she can destroy them before my sons started rummaging through my stuff.  As it is now, my son won’t go in my bathroom to get a Q-tip without asking first. What’s he afraid of finding? Well, there is the home pregnancy kit I bought last winter, it came in a package of two. (Don’t even ask.) There’s a 4-pack of Summer’s Eve douches, a few odd condoms strewn around, and my diaphragm. Oh yeah, and scented massage oil and lubricant. What’s the problem, I ask you?

In the bedroom, secreted behind my everyday undies, are some of my ‘toys’. Nothing too shocking. I’ve had a fairly vanilla sex life for most of my years. No gags or studded items. No leather, strappy things, or whips. And the books? Well, they could be considered writing material, research. I don’t own The Story of “O”or any terribly salacious reading materials. My collection is mostly erotica, written by women for women. Some of it is openly displayed on the shelf by my desk. I guess they’ll have to be moved once my granddaughter is old enough to read the titles.

But–I’m not finished expanding my horizons yet, and who knows what will be added to my stash in the upcoming years. I’ve just become an affiliate for Babeland, a sex toy website, which means I get a small percentage when readers link to that site and buy something via my blog, A Woman’s Page

It also means that I can request a toy to try out and review for them. I’d have to write a fairly detailed review of my chosen toy, and that’s the hold-up for me. I don’t want to talk in real detail about my sexual stuff, not when I’m blogging under my real name. It’s one thing to say cute things like, “It’s small and discreet enough to carry in your purse.” Or “the vibrations are just strong enough to send nice sensations through your body.” Subtle, but useful tidbits for the prospective customer: those comments I have been able to say comfortably. It’s the other more explicit information that I can’t bring myself to write about from a personal perspective. The this-went-where kinda stuff.

I  do want to do a toy review, however.  I’m dying to try the finger vibrators. They look so cool, and I’m intrigued by how small the batteries must be, or is there a cord? Imagine having little vibrations on several fingers that you can use in various places! I can only fantasize about their utility. I mentioned the little finger vibrators to my stitching group the other day.   A couple of them blushed, and the ensuing silence was a tad uncomfortable.  I thought it was pretty funny. C’mon. We’re adults. My god, I’ll be 56 next month. If I want to talk about sex toys, I think I’ve earned that privilege. Can you imagine when I’m 85 and exhibiting even less restraint? “Watch out, for the dirty little old lady over in the corner. She must have been a wild thing when she was younger.”

I worry about things I shouldn’t. Dying with my sex toys still around is one of those things. When I’m dead and gone, I won’t really know or care how my sons react. They won’t die from embarrassment, and I’ll already be dead, so maybe it’ll be an enlightening moment for them? But just in case. Sue, if you’re reading: there is another little goodie behind the fourth shoebox on the top right of my closet. I’d like to be buried with that one.

Photo Credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/jamison/77625800/sizes/m/in/photostream/

  • Adultsmart

    I understand why this would be frustrating to you for sure. i’m glad you’re not done.

  • http://www.thrillmeuk.com/womens-toys.html sex toys for women

    I just read your post and also understood your situation about sex toys. Emma, I also appreciate your comment as well.

  • http://middleagedmadness.wordpress.com/ Emma

    I understand how you feel about your toys. I just got out of a 4 year relationship in which we were not intimate for almost 2 years because he refused to go to the Dr. for his Erectile Dysfunciton. Today, I brought one of my toys into the shower with me. When I was finished with my shower and dried off, I left the bathroom to go get dressed; forgetting that my “toy” was still in the shower. Thankfully, I remembered just in time to rush down the stairs past my son and sprint to the bathroom. I don’t think that I have run that fast in 10 years! I would have been completely mortified if he had found it!

  • http://www.redheadranting.com/ Jen

    It’s called “Sainting the House”. You have a designated friend who has a key and knows where your stash of toys and/or porn is located, they take it upon themselves to get rid of all the embarrassing stuff. I know this because my father did not have anyone designated to perform this job and I ended up having to do it. Of course I blogged all about it http://www.kidsofqueers.com/porn/. I did sex toy reviews for about five minutes on my blog. I lost a pretty big gig because of it.

    • http://awomanspage.com Walker

      @Jen, The beauty of being my own boss is that I can say what I want, though I am more mindful of potential employers now that I no longer write anonymously.

      Love the title, “Sainting the House”… wanna write something with that. I will pop over to read up on your site this weekend. Thanks for stopping in to read and comment.

  • http://awomanspage.com Walker

    Oh good, thanks… I’m glad you liked it!

  • http://barbarashallue.typepad.com Barbara

    Loved this! I’m sending the link to my friends…

  • http://helenvanpattersonpatton.wordpress.com Becky Lee

    I am still laughing about this one! I suppose the phrase “you are not alone” is pretty much an understatement. Given the sales volume of the sex toys industry, and the fact that none that I’m aware of carry the label “biodegradable” (other than edible underwear), I’m sure that there are lots of us who have had the same thought or discussion! Good for you for putting it out there! It made me think that perhaps we should consider putting the “disposal of sex toys” under estate planning – actually it just sent me on one of those mind-bending millisecond thought progressions. Many of us need to consider the plan. Even if we’ve given someone else the responsibility of making that dash to the house to gather up our treasures… we’re assuming that they won’t die first, or, God forbid, our home is not a crime scene (you know, taped up secure with rolls and rolls of “documentation”)! But then our friends are shouldered with the burden of disposal. They don’t go in the donation pile (Ewww), they are of no value to the consignment store (Ewww), and I’m not guessing that there is someone specializing in sterilization and repurposing for third world countries! [I’m trying to shut off the mind-bend thing now] Regardless of the future of our “toys”, let us appreciate the technology that has given us so much pleasure and continue to anticipate “progress” until the big light shines and the treasure hunt begins!

    • http://helenvanpattersonpatton.wordpress.com Becky Lee

      OH! And I LOVE the phrase “go funny”! I think I’ve gone….

      • http://awomanspage.com Walker

        @Becky Lee, Wow, love the way your brain functions. I’m currently writing about funeral/estate planning but can’t imagine talking about dildo disposal?
        I find that my new role is simply to put voice to what many think, but have more restraint or are too uptight to talk about!
        Thanks for your comments! Will be thinking about what you’ve offered.

  • Paula

    I just talked with Sue and she said she would be happy to oblige your request. lol lol lol lol

    oh… and the finger apparatus am looking forward to trying them ;)

    • http://awomanspage.com Walker

      @Paula, I’ll keep you in the loop! Glad to know that Sue’s willing to oblige!

  • http://awomanspage.com Walker

    “go funny”… that’s a great phrase. There are any number of things we ought to do for our children to help them after we’re gone. I’ve posted about that a few times and keep saying I’m going to put together my list.

  • Cerise

    Hmmm – what else would you want burned before the family start sorting?? I have journals with very personal thinking exposed. That is about all that I would be embarrassed about.

    I recently started writing a file called ‘If I die or go funny without putting my things in order’. It has client names and other contacts – so someone can send invoices for my last month’s work, and make sure that someone knows why I didn’t turn up for a meeting or a lunch date. And it tells where to find my insurance papers and where to cancel trade accounts, and who to give my book collection to. What else should I include? Where to find the laundry powder might be a good one, and how to look after my worm bin. These things are far more important than what hymns to sing at my funeral.

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