by Walker Thornton of A Woman’s Page
After six years of divorce and two significant post-marriage relationships, I’m not sure that marriage is in my future. I can’t even say with any certainty that I want a long-term, till-death-do-us-part partnership. It feels so stifling, or maybe it’s just that I continue to make the wrong choices?
I just ended a relationship, one we both thought was to be our last. But after a mere sixteen months, I realized that this wasn’t the right one for me. It was a gradual realization precipitated by an argument at the worst of times, three days after breaking two bones in my foot. Unable to bear any weight on my left foot, and in pain, I made a few assumptions–that he would spend the night of my accident at my house, that he might pick up a cup or bowl and put it in the dishwasher, and would return a bowl of fruit to the refrigerator after having gotten it out. That last one didn’t happen and when I mentioned it on the phone the next day, he became upset and started talking about the fact that I’d brought it up. The conversation continued the next night over dinner and ended with his calling me “entitled”, as if somehow expecting a little personal attention and the assuming of a few basic kitchen tasks (which admittedly I didn’t directly verbalize to him and I apologized for making assumptions) made me The Queen? “Entitled,” he said, with disdain. And, you know what, I am entitled–to a life of comfort and satisfaction as defined by me. Of course, that wasn’t the way he meant it.
I have this little habit of being too accommodating. It’s not that I’m shy or afraid to speak up in most situations; I’ve been accused of being too assertive at times in my life. But, my pattern with men has been to try and fit in with their likes and dislikes. Remember the character in The Runaway Bride? She couldn’t tell you what kind of eggs she liked for breakfast; she always favored the same egg dish her fiancé ate. I’ve been a little bit like that.
My dad, who died when he was 43, was an alcoholic, a good man with a warm smile, and a sense of humor. He was gregarious, intelligent, and a ladies man. But, in his drinking periods he was stern and unpredictable; I learned to hide, to not say or do anything that might bring about disapproval. During those times I became quieter, more polite and more likely to act in the ways I thought would please him. I did the same for my grandfather: dressing like a good Southern girl, acting the role he expected for his granddaughter. From my mother, I heard a lot about what I should do less of, and what I should do more of. I was told many times that I was too talkative and too ‘forward’ with boys. My mother assured me once that boys wouldn’t like me if………(fill in the blank). So, it shouldn’t come as such a big surprise that now, as a divorcee, I bend over backwards to be accommodating.
Over the last five or six years of dating, I’ve figured out my patterns and worked diligently to not be driven by a sense of neediness and desperation. The online dating situation fed that problem and I made repeated lapses in judgment –which now add humor and rich detail to my life as a single woman and a writer. Yet, somehow in this last year I found myself slipping again, hiding my own opinions or my preferences in order to keep a man happy. We had many different interests and viewpoints which ultimately couldn’t be erased by my willingness to pretend that they didn’t bother me. The result was a sense of losing myself again, and this time I reacted quickly. It was abrupt but I’m getting old, I don’t have time to waste wallowing in my old patterns.
There is a sense of lightness now, though I’m sad to have caused pain for both of us. I’m trying not to dwell on the occasional feelings of emptiness, and the fear of never having a satisfying sex life again. Yet I’ve learned a valuable lesson, again, and maybe I’m destined to repeat this mistake over and over until I finally get it right. Julia Roberts spent time trying all the different egg dishes; I’m not sure what it’ll take for me.
I love this blog, and I can relate. You really made me think.
Good for you!! Your boundaries are getting stronger and you’re loving and valuing and respecting yourself more. We all do it one relationship at a time. If you’re feeling lighter, even if sad, you’re on your way to the best relationship of your life. When you find it (and you will), you will look back on this one and say, “THANK GOD I GOT THE HELL OUT WHEN I DID.” What a selfish prick he was to even use the word “entitled”….so glad you’re getting it right. We all it the same way, a piece at a time. It’s only in hindsight we see how wise we were.
Wow! I could have written this. Hang in there.
Gerry
@Gerry Hogan, Thanks Gerry. Isn’t amazing how many of us have lived this story. I have no doubt that I’m gonna be just fine… it gets hard for a bit but each successive moment is better and better.
Thank you for commenting and for giving us the connection to your website.. I cant’ wait to stop and browse a little more.
@Walker, I’ve been widowed close to six years – independent, put-together woman, not needy, clingy or weird. Like you, a couple of relationships that looked as though they were going to be “keepers” until push came to shove and in each case it was my not being needy that caused the split. Strange world , isn’t it.
@Gerry Hogan, Yes it is. I’ve been through my needy phase and understand what drove me. I enjoy the company of a man and can’t imagine not having a man around for companionship, conversation and sex… but finding the right fit for my fairly strong personality, liberal views and upbringing, grandchildren etc… is challenging.
@DuchessOmnium, Thank you, it was difficult to write as I don’t want to be angry at him or do the he said-she said thing. And, you’re right, I am a little sad but I feel much lighter and free again.
A thoughtful, honest post. There is almost always loss, and sadness, when relationships end, even when it is the right decision.
Yes, me too. And I’m trying to relearn those ways. One of the best (maybe the best) part of getting older is the self-awareness that comes with each year. It’s hard-won, in general, but worth having.
But that wanting or anticipating some help when you’re injured does not equal being entitled. Not by any definition. Good for you for knowing what your worth is and for speaking up.
(Eggs Benedict. My favorite.)
@Jennifer, Thanks. Sadly many of us do have similar experiences- I think it says much about the environment we were raised in.
As for eggs: I like many versions; over easy is probably my ‘at home’ choice, eggs benedict for Brunches.
I think that dude was just a dweeb. My dad wouldn’t treat my mom the way that guy treated you. He would have helped out with whatever she needed knowing she was incapacitated. That’s what grown ups do for each other in a loving healthy relationship.
Heck, that’s what friends do for each other. Seriously, if a friend of your was hurt, wouldn’t you do those things for her/him? That’s not entitlement. That’s just good manners.
@MSChick74, Yes, I’d help a friend, no question. While the lack of help around my injury was problematic it brings light to the difference in roles and ideas about household tasks too….
For those of us who are older the worries about illness and caregiving take on bigger significance so a small illness or injury is a good test.
“Handle with care” -nice one. The thing about men is that they do supply the necessary components for sex, though I have learned to satisfy myself quite well I can’t figure out how to get the kissing I like so much.
But, on a serious note, thank you. You’re right I don’t and it’s taken me far too long to figure that one out. This time, I do know that I’m pretty fabulous so I’m ahead of the game.
Ah, yes. Yet another reason why I’m single. Most men require way to much “handle with care” crap. I haven’t the patience. If I’d wanted a child I would have had one. Sorry you had to kiss another toad. You’re a fabulous woman and you don’t have to accommodate anyone.