by Roxy Turner of Roxy Turner
“It’s just a number”
I’ve heard that twice in the last couple of days. For any female fast approaching her 50th birthday, the phrase rings hollow.
My immediate family either doesn’t realize it’s my 50th or they think that they shouldn’t mention it. Doesn’t make a difference. It’s on my mind.
They only started asking me a few days ago what I wanted. My requests are pretty simple (in my mind). 1.) A blu-ray player so I could watch my daughter’s box set of Game of Thrones. 2.) Some TV trays, so we can eat dinner in the living room more comfortably (’cause the diningroom table is always covered in projects).
3.) And tickets to a Giants game at home in SF. From my husband’s reaction, you would have thought I’d asked for the moon. He would have to “pick” a date, “plan” a trip, and “purchase” tickets. Oh my. For a guy who can plan, approve and execute multi-million dollar business deals, acquisitions and mergers, from our home office in his bathrobe, surely, arranging to go to a baseball game in another city shouldn’t be that difficult. Surely?
Then there’s the daughters. They keep asking me what I want. I keep repeating the above three things. I mentioned to one of them, weeks ago, that it might be nice to have some neighbors over to celebrate, have a small (or a big) party. (Apparently that idea did not resonate.) They’ve been asking me what I want to do for dinner. Dine here or go out? If we went out, where to go? Do you like this restaurant or that? Sushi? Brunch? Mexican?
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I am the one who always makes the plans here. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, vacations. And when they go wrong, I get the flack. So . . . I told them all (Dad included) that I didn’t want to make the plans for my own birthday:
“Surprise me.”
Apparently, they don’t know how to do that, because they are still asking me what I want to do. What I want, is NOT to have to plan my own fucking birthday!
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Ten years ago still sticks in my mind. We had been planning a big party for my 40th birthday, but a collapsed mainline sewer and the resulting sudden lack of money canceled all party plans. That birthday was particularily depressing, with nothing being planned, not even dinner. I ended up having to pick up the phone and order pizza for my own damned dinner. They gave me some gifts, though, what, I don’t remember. I probably had a cake, but I may have made it myself. What I do remember is feeling spectacularily sorry for myself.
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So here I am 10 years later, and not much has changed. The effort that I’ve put into other people’s birthday celebrations is unlikely to be reciprocated. Perhaps I’ve made them too reliant on me. I’ve let them be too passive. I’ve failed to make my needs and expectations clear.
Now, I could be wrong. They may have something really marvelous planned for me. A surpise party at a restaurant with all my friends there. (It wouldn’t be hard to find them through Facebook.) Maybe my husband has purchased me a really hot, red sportscar (there is money available). Perhaps a crew is going to show up and install the kitchen counter I’ve been lusting after for the last 12 years (Home Depot has the measurements). Or maybe they got me one of those amazing kinetic wind sculptures that we saw in Zion. That should be easy. Totally available online. No-one would even have to leave the house.
But, in my heart of hearts, I don’t think any of that is going to happen. We’ve programmed our families’ all too well. They believe that moms are content with less. We eat the heels from the last loaf of bread, we give our kids the last piece of cake. We wear underwear with the stretched out elastic because the child needed some new rollerskates. Our bras have holes in them because getting you that video game seemed more important than a new foundation garments. We survive on smiles and hugs, not bon bons and flowers.
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Fifty is not just a number. It’s when AARP starts cramming your mailbox with retirement planning offers. It’s when menopause is not just a theory. It’s when you can no longer fit into that 40-49 demographic checkbox. It’s when you don’t just “look good” any more. It’s when you “look good for your age.”
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Yes, it would have been nice to have a party. But parties are usually better in theory than practice. It’s an added expense. There’s always stuff to clean up. Someone usually drinks too much. Feelings are hurt.
We are hosting a big party in September, our oldest daughter’s wedding and I’m on the hunt for a “mother of the bride” dress. It’s a challenge. Don’t want it to be too formal or too casual. Can’t have it too frumpy, but sexy mama is a no-no. Too elegant and classy might make the groom’s mother look bad by contrast, but shabby chic might impart of lack of respect to the seriousness of the event. I’m leaning towards bohemian – kind of a crazy, fuck you, I’ll wear what I want cause I’m over 50 style. There’s something to be said for the Red-Hat ladies. They aren’t quiet or self-sacrificing. They’ve left their mothering years behind them and are doing what they want, when they want, in hideous colors.
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I saw a TV reporter interviewing a woman recently. I don’t recall the news story, but I do recall being fascinated by her. She was loud. She was black. She was not afraid to tell everyone what she thought. If she wanted to have a birthday party, she would not have been quiet about it. She would have told everyone, and made damned sure it happened.
That what I want for my birthday. I want to be her.
I hear you I will be 50 in a few days and I really wanted to be on a beach in the sunshine not this long cold winter scene! Most the time I don’t care just get through the day but I really wanted this for myself and I was pretty sure it would happen.. But unfortunately my plans rarely work out ! As this will not happen either! I have never been so disappointed and can’t stop crying. I’m so tired of being the one to make the plans for every celebration or coming up with ideas as simple as what to eat for supper! I’m sure this day will pass like any other day if I don’t do something and I’m tired of having my hopes squashed! I felt after a year of returning to school and succeeding in passing all my exams thus far making a return to school at the age of 49 let me tell you wasn’t easy with the expectation of graduating at the age of 50! I really needed and wanted to celebrated this birthday with some kind of statement but I’m disappointed before it comes because I know it will mean very little to anyone but me!
OMG, I just started reading this blog…. every single note resonates with me. I am a single mom. One is out of the house living her own life. The other is 13. My birthday is a month away and I wanted to do something special. Of course, I would have to plan it. My daughter mentioned planning it, but she is 1000 miles away. I appreciate her intentions, but said “don’t worry”. She said ” but mom, no one plans their own birthday”. It made me want to cry, because the truth is, if I want to do something, I have to do it on my own. Just like raising my children, working and handling everything. FU deadbeat dads by the way…..
OK, well that pity party is over. Now, I have a small group of friends. My initial thought was to be in Europe or Paris or somewhere spectacular!! But here I am , a month away, and it probably wont happen for a myriad of reasons . Next thought was to hire a small party bus and hit this restaurant in Phila that I always wanted to go to….
Anyway, Happy 50th to all of you…My intentions are to continue reading this blog and hope that someone else’s idea appeals to me…
Maybe I need to stop being “good” and just be spontaneous….. Yeah, right, and who will watch the kids….. LOL
Kaze64…When your comment hit my screen, I had just finished commenting on another blog in which I said something like, “The terrific part of turning 50 is that it really is the beginning of the “I don’t give a shit” years. Happy birthday…enjoy the freedom…and tell your daughter that if you want something, you can’t wait for someone to give it to you.
Hi Jane,
Yes, my daughter knows that. Everything she has, had, during her years growing up came from my hard work. I think that was why she wanted to try to plan something. Just a little give back to mom…. She knows that you cannot count on anyone but yourself….
I am turning 50 at the end of this year and because I know nobody have a clue of what I really want I am planning my party and it’s pretty cool. My friends are all gathering a series of special drinks that we will be sampling during this Summer, and I asked my husband to create a music CD to be played at my party that have every single song that had meant an important time in my life…it’s fun and everyday I add one more song! I want all my dearest friends to be invited including all my family and parents.And I want to do a LUAU with fireworks all at our home. I want my oldest song to prepare a video of all my important momments of my life up to today and a very odd and cool birthday cake! I think when we turn 50 , a half of the century has already passed by and I’m ready for the next 50 and more years to come!
This article resonates with me. The poster below is correct. It is often years and years of family first to the point where they DO believe you live on hugs and kind words. On most days, the hugs do keep me going. I turned 50 last October and I am still angry about the “celebration” cough cough. It was a milestone to me. I had just safely delivered child #1 to college (meaning I did all of the college visit, selection work, etc. not my husband. No, I am not a SAHM) I was very clear that I wanted some kind of festivity or acknowledgement but did not want to plan my own event. I made it clear that in exchange for two decades of dedication and maid service, I wanted a DAY OFF. My husband mentioned two weeks before my birthday that he hadn’t made any plans. Nice. His statement “I am not a planner” was a cop out. He runs a multi million dollar company and directs the actions of 125 employees and negotiates high dollar equipment purchases. PLEEAAASSE! A week before my birthday , he offered an overnight stay at a bed and breakfast. Hmmm. Fulfills some of the requirements, right? Problem number one – zero effort, ten minutes on the internet. Problem number two – he chose a place four hours from our home and said we could do one night. He did zero research into things to do (it’s wine country, there are things to do ) I had just finished my son’s travel lacrosse season which meant criss crossing the entire Southeast from Pa/MD down to North Carolina all summer and fall for weekend tournaments. Travel 8 hours total for an overnight visit? No thank you. ! So what happened? Since he made the nominal effort, he felt he was off the hook. I ordered a cake and got a bottle of Prosecco, both of which I had for breakfast on my birthday. I didn’t schedule any early client appointments. Husband came home and threw a gift in my lap which was a laptop. Ironically, my husband has a mac and an Ipad, my kids each have laptops and tablets and I was using a ten year old POS desktop. He said he would take me to dinner. We ended up at Ruby Tuesdays. I went to bed at 9:30. I think there are a million things he could have done to facilitate a day off but oh well. We never speak of it. A friend of hours just planned and booked a 7 day cruise for his 50th. It is hilarious when he talks about it in front of us. My husband keeps looking at me like I’m going to blow up. I should have planned my own day after all.
My 50th is next week. I am a single mom, struggling with finances and feel pretty low about where I am in life. My daughter went to my mom’s for spring break and I immediately got sick. My three dogs got sick too. There went the money for the party I created by myself for me. Then my laptop got stolen and I found out my car needs over $1K in maintenance and repairs. I was supposed to be in Mexico for my birthday but that didn’t quite work out either. My mother keeps telling me that I am a mom and I should just be happy for that, basically that I shouldn’t want anything else. I just canceled the party. I invited people that I like but never see in real life, so it doesn’t feel that bad. I am going to turn my phone off and hope it’s not snowing so I can go on a hike with my daughter. Then we’ll grab a bite to eat and get a piece of cake, a kind I don’t even like. I can’t wait until this day has come and gone.
Just found out it’s going to be 35 degrees and snowing on my birthday. Cancun’s forecast is 85 degrees and sunny. My big accomplishment for the day will be to make a fire and have a warm house. Blah.
Tomorrow is my 50th birthday, I feel the same way,I don’t want to plan my own birthday party!…..I consider my 50th a milestone, unfortunately my girlfriend is hurting for cash even though she asks me what I want to do on my Bday, I said I want to be on a beach done where,but I don’t expect much, but it would gave been nice to have had some sort of get together with friends or family…..so I’ll chalk up another birthday to sitting around watching the tube!…..hahahahaha……
My 50th birthday was Dec. 26th. My second oldest daughter got into a big fight with us 2 weeks before Christmas and my youngest daughter did on Christmas Day. Well, like usual, everyone got everything they wanted for Christmas! I have 4 kids; 3 girls ages 26, 21, and 20 and a son 17. I told them I didn’t want anything . . . but did I mean it? My husband came to me a week before my birthday and said “I just need you to cook up 3 pans of your lasagna, meatballs and sausage and a big salad. I’ll do the rest.” I couldn’t believe it! I have thrown a birthday party every year without them asking for one! I’ve even thrown my daughters who has been out of the house for 4 years and my grandson who is 3!! You think anyone could get their act together? No!!! I’ve been extremely depressed ever since. And I usually am after New Years anyways. . . .
Plan a girlfriend getaway with some other girlfriends turning 50 or 50ish. Celebrate your marvelousness with others who “get” it and “get” you.
Alas, it seems that the women below are correct, as are you. If we want a proper hooplah, we have to plan it ourselves. How did your birthday turn out, anyway? Was there proper obeisance? Or pizza?
I planned my own, but my sweetie helped to make it happen – a big party in the barn. It helped that the celebration doubled as a back to school party, though.
Me? I’d plan the party, invite my friends (and maybe not the familyf?!) and have a blast! I hope all your birthday wishes come true; but I’ve found that in the last 15 years–if there’s something I want, I just go and get it/do it/plan it myself. At least that way, I know its going to be right.
Exactly! My 50th is in a week, and you had better believe I have made the plans (a weekend family getaway). I do not intend to spend that day sitting around depressed because no one did what I wanted them to do. My family is very happy to go along with what I want, we are all looking forward to it, and I know they will surprise me with nice gifts, so I am ok with being the one to make the plans. I get that most women don’t want to have to plan their own birthday, but if you know there is a strong possibility that your significant others are not going to do a good job at that planning, especially for such a milestone, why leave that to chance???
Tina, Last weekend was the incredible bash we had to celebrate my niece’s 50th. It was everything she wanted–because she engineered the whole thing!
BEST birthday I ever had was when I turned 40. I told the whole damn bunch to get out of my way. I left at 9:00 in the morning and went to all the places around town I had wanted to go but never had time. I started at the Botanical Gardens, then strolled through a funky shopping area of town. I went to an adorable little restaurant and sat outside, ordered what I wanted, even cake. I went to the movie I wanted to see, then to dinner. I didn’t get home til almost 10 that night. But the key was I wore a big, round button the entire day that said, “Today is my birthday!” Everyone who waited on me, served me dinner, and passed me in the stores wished me a happy birthday. It was truly the best one yet.
I so get this. I turned 50 this summer. Like you my 40thbcame and went with no hoopla. And first friends said we should go away. Then I thought a big party. Then nothing happened. Well we ended starting a big renovation. My husband did give me a very nice ring. And I said I’ll plan a big party when the renovation is over. So my advice if you want something — you’ll need to plan it. Good luck and have a great one.