MidLife Sex and HIV/AIDS
Back in the ’80s at the height–or should I say, nadir–of the blind hysteria about AIDS, there was no little concern among my group of girlfriends. We were single, slim and gallivanters. Loved going to bars and clubs–our own 20th century version of Lindsay Lohan’s life. Okay, maybe not so much in terms of the drugs, but the alcohol? Whoohoo! And the partying? Yes indeedy. I remember one road trip from Texas to LA that should have taken two days but stretched to five or six because we just kept finding another little honkytonk in another little Texas town that had to be visited. Some of us, those of us with a little looser grip on our knees, were freaked (as we said then) by the thought of getting AIDS. As far as we knew, it was a death sentence and could be caught just by breathing polluted air or kissing the wrong boy. I mean, fluids are fluids we figured. I dealt with the whole thing by, first, keeping a firm grip on my knees and, second, leaving LA and getting married. Whew! I was safe. My girlfriends had their own solutions and none of us, as best I know today, ever showed up HIV positive.
And now, of course, we’re all midlife women, well past the gallivanting stage. So we’re still safe–right? Not so fast. More magazine has a very scary article this month. It’s called “Killer Sex,” and writer Alexis Jetter has some sobering statistics. Today, one in three women newly infected with HIV is over the age of 40. We’re at risk because we think we’re safe. We’re married. We don’t gallivant. We only date nice men and we only sleep with clean guys. Ha!
Go read the article. It will sober you up–and maybe it will keep you safe as well.
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Allison forgot to include the link to her site, which is WomenBloom: http://www.womenbloom.com
OK, I’m a little behind the curve here, but I was waiting for the article to come out on line…there are statistics that the author of the article shared with me from the Kaiser Family Foundation. If anyone wants the document, email me and I’ll be happy to send them.
I just wrote a blog post on this where I provide the actual numbers and stats. The numbers aren’t high comparatively, but I guess what is ‘not that big a problem’ if it’s your sister, a good friend or your Mom?
I’m with Jane when I say it is something we need to be aware of. I think we’re all too ready to believe that it happens only to gay men, or poor black women, or drug users, it could never happen to us. That just isn’t the case.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve noticed an uptick in the number of midlife friends who have contracted herpes and I understand that it is happening more and more. I’m afraid it’s becoming more widespread for the same reason…we don’t think it could be us, we are operating under an outdated assumption that men our age are monogamous, we’re single and really wanting sex and don’t ‘get’ how many people we’re sleeping with when we have sex (Duchess’s point about sexual history) or we’re new to the dating game after a divorce.
I think anything that gets us more realistic about the risks we take on with sex can only be to the better. We don’t have to blow it out of proportion, but recognize that it doesn’t just happen to ‘other people’.
Gena — a good sensible summary. Agreed.
Look, the issue is awareness. Yes, magazines and TV shows will hype the sensational. I’m shocked, shocked that they would do that
There are issues that I did not have to consider at 18 and AIDS is one of them.
At midlife I have to have a discussion with someone I don’t really know about their sexual history and they get to do the same to me.
If you are coming out of a long term marriage or relationship you’ve got to know the current rules. One of which is don’t let the guy disregard your insistence on using a condom. Because it ain’t just AIDS out there; there are STDs that no one wants in their bodies.
Now you hope that you can take time to ease into that conversation but depending on how certain energies promote themselves you might have to have a few condoms in your bag, just in case.
Every women on the planet needs to be aware and act proactively to protect her sexual and physical health.
Duchess, Duchess, Duchess….it seems to me that you are playing the rabid right’s game of isolating key phrases and spinning them into hyperbole.
No one is clucking that everyone is at risk. Nor is there anything in the article that anyone could read as a call to protect ourselves at the expense of African women. I’m sure that you’ve read the article so you know that issue is rape and consensual sex with a cheating partner (oh my, you mean married men cheat and get away with it?!)and just plain assuming that the new guy in your life is as honest and aboveboard as you are.
I’m not saying be stupid, but I am also not convinced that this is the big issue for middle aged western women that journalists writing headlines like to scream about.
Ms Alice, I don’t know about the incidence in the District of Columbia, and I would like to see your data.
Just this morning on the radio I heard a story that I suppose was really meant to scare my daughters. Apparently by the time they are 50, half of today’s young people are set to be infected.
I’m sorry, but I heard those scary stories in the 80s. They scared me then. They scared me a lot because two of my mother’s brothers were infected, and one had already died.
Almost thirty years on, most of their dire statistics and preditions (“Dont’ die of ignorance”) turned out to be nonsense, except in sub Saharan Africa
Heterosexual transmission is a big issue in South Africa. Why? One word: rape.
I’m not denying that you can get AIDS from regular, everyday sex. I know it happens. Bodily fluids are bodily fluids and theoretically you can get it from kissing (especially if you recently bit your tongue).
But mostly you get it blood to blood or from trauma. The virus spreads most easily when you inject it. It has a little more trouble with typical homosexual sex, but not a lot; the rectum is not engineered for that kind of penetration and tiny tears and splits allow the virus a way in.
And that’s why women who are raped are so much more vulnerable; women who are raped tear and bleed.
Instead of clucking about how everyone is at risk, and pretending that it is a serious problem for us all, why aren’t we being honest enough to say that most of the evidence of widespread heterosexual transmission comes from Africa, and most of that is the result of non consentual sex — or consentual sex with women who have previously been mutilated (so called female circumcision) so are also prone to tearing and bleeding.
It seems to me that while we play the politically correct game of pretending that we are all at equal risk we turn a blind eye to those who really need protection.
Dear Duchess,
Do not hide your head in the sand! While the majority of HIV/AIDS is spread by men who have sex with men, do not assume that women are not affected or infected. Heterosexual transmission has risen sharply since the CDC began tracking transmission in the 1980′s.
HIV is an equal-opportunity virus. (The H stands for Human) In a report issued on 3/29/09, the rate of HIV infection in the U.S. District of Columbia surpasses many African countries. Heterosexual women were the second fastest growing segment in the report.
Complacency about HIV in the heterosexual community is all too common. I did quite a bit of gallivating around in my single days in the 1980′s. I realize now how very lucky I am. Here’s to safer sex every time!
I’m with Jane. There’s a reason why, at least in the state of California, people need to take an AIDS test before they can get marriage license– at any age. AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases don’t know how old a person is. Safe sex, is safe sex, regardless of how old you are.
Duchess: I’ll not be shouting at you, dearheart. I’ll wend my way over to my copy of More to see if there are any more stats–some, but not the totals that you’re probably thinking of. Still, is that really the point of this article? To me, it wasn’t that SO MANY midlife women are turning up HIV position, but that it is still an issue–and we’re not realizing that. Maybe because your close family has been affected, you are more sensitive to–what? moving the focus away from Africa? You are sounding prickly (!) and I don’t get why.
one of the lessons of AIDS is every time you “sleep” with anyone, you sleep with their whole sexual history. Nice. For a midliffer that might mean quite a lot of people.
But is AIDs really “a big problem” for seniors? What’s the evidence and the numbers? I suspect that though any case is devastating, the numbers are pretty small.
I hate political correctness in all its forms. It might be politically correct to suggest that seniors are an at “at risk” group, but I doubt the evidence.
I know a reasonable amount about AIDS and I have written about it, because my close family has been affected. http://duchessomnium.com/?p=32 My daughter worked in Uganda, a country that once had the highest incidence in the world, with HIV/AIDs orphans.
I’m only saying this because I am expecting to be shouted at when I say that the fact is, there has not been an explosion in the heterosexual population outside Africa, and even in Africa they are getting it under control.
I do try to be sensible and careful, but Ms Meta’s remarks notwithstanding, I don’t think you need to give your Mom a condom for Mothers’ Day!
Apparently it’s a big problem for seniors as well — lots of randy little old men hopped up on Viagra!