by Kathleen Walker of Being Single Is The New Black
I thought I had done everything the right way. I waited until I was in my thirties to get married. To do so in my twenties seemed foolish because I hadn’t really yet figured out who I was or what I wanted. I got to know my future husband on a mental level long before it got physical because I had met him online and had a long distance courtship. This was at a time where meeting someone online was considered terribly taboo. but in my defense; we met in a chat room. When I finally met him, it was love at first sight and I moved across the country to be with him three months later.
Flash forward fifteen years, two of which were spent separated and I now find myself the forty-something divorcee. That sounds so much more old school Hollywood scandalous than it actually is. The last time I was truly single, people had pagers to get ahold of someone and cell phones were like bricks. I was fifty pounds skinnier, more fashion forward (Ginger Spice hair anyone – ok – maybe not so fashion forward) and the had confidence of any twenty-something diva. I could have any manboy I wanted and usually did. Mid-forties and single is a WHOLE new ball game.
For starters, exactly how do you meet men when starting over? The last unknown male to talk to me at the grocery store needed motherly advice on cold medicine because he was really sick, and he ended the conversation with “Thank you so much ma’am.” The bar scene which was so much a part of my twenties seems totally lame now. It’s either a bunch of twenty-somethings acting as dumb as I did at their age, or stone cold alcoholics who are usually busy making love to their drinks. Then of course there is online dating, which is no longer as taboo as it was back in the day. You name it, there is a site for it: Christian, Jewish, Farmers, Gamers–it’s out there.
This really wasn’t an option for me though because the age appropriate men only wanted sex and the same for the age inappropriate men as well. It may work for J Lo and Casper Smart, but I am not currently ready to indulge in that cougar lifestyle. There is also the fact that I am still attracted to the hot yet dumb guys much as I was back in the day. The difference is–they are no longer attracted to me.
So what is a gal to do? I stopped torturing myself and decided maybe just MAYBE I should give what we all say we want but never give the chance a chance. When the guy from my bootcamp workout class (who also happened to be on the same lame dating site) asked me out after two weeks of online chatting, yet not talking in class, I agreed to go out with him. He wasn’t really my “type”, nor was I his but we both needed to get out back into the real world, so we gave it a go. It was nice, but I can’t say sparks flew. Although they didn’t fizzle either.
Almost a month later though, we are still going out, and it is beyond nice. It’s amazing. It’s still a little awkward because being off the market for a long time does takes its toll on your social skills. But this go around I am much wiser than I was in my youth, more experienced and overall ready to take on the world of love again.
So how does today’s modern woman find love again in midlife? Simple. Same way she did in her younger day. Stop looking and it will find you.
I met B ten years ago, the old-fashioned way. We were introduced by mutual friends who thought we might hit it off. And they were right!
Nothing wrong with that! My personal trainer had to practically beat me over the head with a 8lb weight to convince me to go out with this guy. I’m glad she did!
Excellent parallel between you and those in their twenties…despite what we believe about “marketability” – it’s as lonely for any 24 year old who wants someone and can’t find them as it was for you. As I’ve told my children, it might happen a year from now, it might happen tomorrow in line at the post office. Have faith, if you’re open it will happen. I’m really happy for you that this was shown to you.
That’s the thing – you never know – but rarely have I ever found what I was looking for when looking except for maybe my car keys!
High fives to you! Online searching – and hopefully dating – is an adventure but it still is just one more way to cast your net. Possibilities of how and where you will meet someone are everywhere and each of us just need to keep our eyes open and our antennae tweaking
It is certainly an adventure. It was what inspired my blog! I’ve met some nice people on line and if nothing else – it helped sharpen my social skills!
I loved every minute of online dating. I considered it an adventure and boy, was it! I met my fiance online and although it didn’t work out for us, and as it turned out, my ex came back after 27 years divorced (yes, amazing) and we fell back in love, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I have a 62 year old girlfriend, no spring chicken & let her hair grey naturally who started 3 months ago, with trepidation–and she has no shortage of dates she likes. I’ve noticed that the more “desperate” a woman is for a man, the fewer she finds. Just exploring what’s out their seems to send out better vibes. Best of luck to you!
It is true, Even in the “real” world – the more desperate you seem, the less attractive you are to others. Nobody will see the good shine through until you squeegee your personal windows! Great to hear your friend is back out there!
Happy for you that you met someone you care about and who cares about you. The dating world is tough for over 50’s.
I think it’s tough for everyone, but I agree – the older one gets, the harder it becomes. A lot of it has to do with not being as willing to settle as you were when you were younger. Maybe that’s just me though!
I’m glad you found someone but you have to realize that it doesn’t just happen spontaneously for everyone. Dating sites still remain a viable option for many people. The dating world is challenging for many women who find themselves uncertain and often frustrated… 40’s, 50’s and beyond.
I am all too aware it doesn’t happen spontaneously and dating sites are a very viable option. It just wasn’t for me. I tend to be a bit of an introvert and geek. I also have big blonde hair and glasses which always seemed to attract those who wanted a “naughty librarian”. This doesn’t bode well for someone who isn’t looking for an “intimate” connection so to speak and has trouble putting books down!.
I met someone on-line (on a ‘mature’ site…ouch) when I was 59 and he was 61. We were not each other’s ‘perfect match’ (including 250 miles apart) but, instead, became helpful buddies and assisted each other in fine-tuning our profiles, checking in after dates, etc. Long story short: we met, fell in love, wrote a book about it and are now, two years later, still in love and having the adventure of our lives. We promote hope and courage and the willingness to try one more time. Life is just too darn short.
Mindy
http://www.lubeoflife.com
I am so happy you found happiness! Sounds like you have an amazing story to share and I am honored you shared it with me! Here’s to many more years of happiness to you!
Met my guy at 35 online. Neither was looking. We met on a site based on a passion we shared. He flew here. Long distance a year. He moved here and we’re going strong thirteen years later.
Glad to hear you returned to what works. You find love when you aren’t looking.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results! Sometimes you just have to readjust your perspective. I’m so happy to hear you met someone and are still going strong many years later. In this day and age – 13 years is a commitment to be proud of!